I had no idea there were so many different ways to die.
Last time around, Crazy Mel had one man flogged for most of 126 minutes.
This time, with “Apocalypto,” he flogs, impales, eviscerates, spears, crushes and beheads at least 126 men for 126 minutes. In the merrily sadistic world Gibson seems to be operating in these days, that’s called progress.
“When I catch him, I will peel his skin, and have him watch me wear it,” sneers a ruthless Mayan warrior.
One imagines the days of “What Women Want” have come and gone.
A panther eats a man’s face. Silly kitty, for in Mel World, that only earns the panther a fatal clubbing – while still clinging to that unfortunate face – from the man’s tribe. We see another man open his own wrists – bear with me here – because it’s a more pleasant way to die than what is about to happen to him.
Hearts are plucked from chests like so many ornaments from a tree. Women give birth underwater while trapped in caves during torrential rainstorms.
Did we mention the plague?
Mel Gibson sure knows how to put the “ick” in biblical. “Apocalypto” is “Snakes on a Plane” if Hannibal Lecter were the pilot. Thanks to his efforts, we can all face our demise with no possible form of fatality left undelineated.
I fully intended to write a serious review of “Apocalypto,” right up to the point where a 4-year-old boy closes his leg wound with the pincers of live fire ants. Gibson’s relentless sadism is a new form of jumping the shark that forces the loyal viewer to either gag or giggle.
“The Passion of the Christ” was a religious snuff film, and “Apocalypto” is an anthropological snuff film. Either way, a deep conversation afterward feels out of proportion to the artwork.
What is the plot, you ask? The plot is death. All must die, some with arrows piercing … oh, never mind. The story line vaguely connects all these assaults through the tale of Jaguar Paw.
Jaguar Paw (Rudy Youngblood) was minding his own business one year in the 15th century, hunting tapirs and forcing his brother to eat tapir testes, when invaders struck. Seems the Mayan warlords of the temple next door needed more slaves to sacrifice to the gods – see “hearts plucked,” above – and Jaguar Paw’s tribe, as they say on ESPN, got next.
Jaguar Paw is captured just after hiding his family down a cave – see “underwater birth,” above – and is hauled with the remains of his tribe to the temple city. Gibson’s allegedly deeper environmental message is here: The ruthless Mayans are destroying the jungle and scarring the landscape with their acquisitive pestilence.
A handy eclipse helps Jaguar Paw escape, his route naturally taking him across a pit filled with rotting corpses. Our hero is then chased for an hour, up trees, down waterfalls and through quicksand.
All this takes place in a native tongue interpreted for us by subtitles. Thus we can smile along with Mel’s mother-in-law jokes and erectile dysfunction jokes, which really need no translation but must have sounded a lot funnier in ancient Mayan.
Gibson’s lamentable penchant for tin-eared, frat-boy humor pops up elsewhere in the script, including a subtitle that must be the first time in cinema history that a noble Mayan warrior drops an f-bomb.
The film student in Gibson references plenty of other movies, including “Lord of the Flies” and Terrence Malick’s recent “The New World.”
But mostly Gibson references himself, repeating almost shot for shot his own martyrdom in “Braveheart” and the cross-bearing scenes from “Passion.” If Mel thinks everybody hates Mel, his revenge is the pain inflicted on the spectator through countless graphic killings.
“Apocalypto” may succeed with some audiences, as there is no denying his films as technical tours de force. If nothing else, Gibson understands like few other directors the brutal recipe of sight, sound and adrenaline. There are many shots in his jungle that linger in the mind with a raw power not always attributable to sheer violence.
But I doubt I’d sit through it again if it wasn’t required in the job description. “Apocalypto” wants us to believe there is an overpowering darkness in the land, while I can’t quite get past a suspicion of overpowering darkness in the filmmaker.
Staff writer Michael Booth can be reached at 303-954-1686 or mbooth@denverpost.com.
Billion-dollar guy
Movies starring Mel Gibson have earned more than $2 billion at the box office. When it comes to directing, his résumé is much shorter. Here’s a look at the three films he has directed before today’s release, “Apocalypto.” (First figure is total domestic gross, second is opening weekend, in millions):
1. The Passion of the Christ
$370.8 ($83.8, 2004)
2. Braveheart
$75.6 ($9.9, 1995)
3. The Man Without a Face
$24.8 ($4, 1993)
BOXOFFICEMOJO.COM
“Apocalypto” | * 1/2 RATING
R for strong and sustained violence|2 hours, 18 minutes| DRAMA|Directed by Mel Gibson; written by Gibson and Farhad Safinia; starring Rudy Youngblood, Dalia Hernandez, Jonathan Brewer, Morris Birdyellowhead and Carlos Emilio Baez|Opens today at area theaters.
