Dear Amy: Our daughter was married last Christmas with only immediate family in attendance. She is beautiful, brilliant and witty. We love her dearly and have fallen in love with her husband too.
In June, her in-laws held a wonderful, large dinner reception for the couple in their hometown, and two weeks later we held a similar reception in our hometown. They received many gifts. At that time, my daughter was between jobs and depressed about this. But two months after the receptions, she began a new job, and soon after they bought their first home.
Now it is many months later. They have not sent thank-you notes. I have written to my daughter to try to find out what is holding things up. I’ve telephoned, left messages and sent e-mails. She does not respond.
I worry that she is deeply depressed and feels too guilty to function. We have offered to come up and help her with this task.
Nothing. Now she wants us to send the title of a car that we purchased for her a few years ago. We have no problem with this, but I don’t want to give her another thing until she communicates with us and agrees to deal with this, seek treatment or – at the very least – is civil to us.
I don’t want to hold her hostage, but she is acting like a spoiled brat, and she wasn’t raised to behave this way. She’s not herself. This is a personality change, and we are sick at heart. We don’t know how to proceed. She lives five hours away. What should we do?
– Bewildered and Heartbroken
Dear Bewildered: If you don’t want to hold your daughter hostage, then don’t. Drop the matter of thank-you notes, and don’t bring it up again. If your daughter is seriously depressed, then pressuring her over this isn’t going to help – and it could make things worse.
I’m not sure why your lovely son-in-law hasn’t stepped up to the plate to take care of thanking everyone properly on behalf of both of them, but he could dispatch this obligation.
You should use the car title handoff as an opportunity to assess how your daughter is feeling. Deliver the title to her, visit with her and give her one more opportunity to behave well with you in person.
If you believe that she is clearly not herself, you should urge her to get help, not because she has rudely ignored her social obligations, but because she could have a serious illness that requires treatment.
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