Bill Ritter assumes the governor’s office on Jan. 9, succeeding Bill Owens, who proved to be a high-profile sports fan during his tenure.
If Ritter wants to cement his popularity, he could quickly move to push the following sports-oriented laws through the state legislature in his First Hundred Days:
Trash-Talk Act
“Ownership of any Colorado major-league baseball team shall be subject to ‘trash taxes.’ They shall be levied when the franchise builds up a young player as a potential future Hall of Famer until the moment he becomes too expensive or has been exposed as in over his head; and then, the franchise ‘trashes’ the player as a selfish lout or a stiff.”
“Invincible” Movie Act
“Producers of sports movies that are billed as ‘true’ or ‘based on a true story,’ but later are shown to be malarkey, shall have to refund all admission costs to anyone who purchased a ticket at a Colorado theater.”
Celebration Act
“In Colorado, it shall be unlawful for professional football players to jump up and celebrate any of the following: a) Making a hard tackle on a receiver across the middle – after a 37-yard gain. b) Scoring a late touchdown – to cut the deficit to 16. c) Getting a sack – after the quarterback stood in the pocket for more than 15 seconds, futilely waiting for somebody to get open.”
Homer Broadcasting Act
“When sports events are broadcast on outlets owned by Colorado-based franchises, and/or described by broadcasters paid by the team’s ownership, disclaimers pointing out the connection must run at least as often as any commercials pitching four tickets, four pizzas and four soft drinks.”
Granted, that might seem unnecessary intervention to some, who rightfully could point out that it’s kind of obvious that the team ownership has a hand in the broadcast when the studio person says, “Despite the (eight-goal loss) (37-point defeat) (brawl certain to lead to monumental suspensions), let’s spend the rest of the postgame show going over the numerous positives for the (Avalanche) (Nuggets) tonight.”
But there are an amazing number of folks who still believe they’re getting an objective view.
New Jersey Act
“When a consumer purchases an ‘authentic’ jersey of a Colorado-based team with an existing player’s name and number on the back for more than $75, the franchise must replace the old jersey free of charge on demand if the player departs the team within two years of the purchase.”
Colloquially, this would be known as the “Avalanche sweater law.”
Bench Act
“In games played in Colorado, NBA teams will be limited to no more than five assistant coaches on the bench.”
The other four guys for each team will just have to take their clipboards and sit in the stands.
Seamhead Act
“Pitch counts shall be illegal at Coors Field. The terms ‘quality start,’ ‘setup man,’ ‘productive out’ and ‘batting average with runners in scoring position on Tuesdays against left-handers over 30’ all shall be considered proscribed speech, similar to shouting ‘Fire!’ in a crowded theater.”
Baseball was a great game before the seamheads and numbers crunchers ruined it.
Eardrum Act
“When a Colorado arena public-address announcer is such an obnoxious, cheerleading screamer that he not only insults the audience, it also has been proven that he can shatter eardrums, the franchise shall have to make an annual $250,000 contribution to the Colorado Hearing Foundation.”
Youth Sports Act
“Young Colorado athletes shall be encouraged to play more than one sport for as long as possible and not specialize too early. Adult coaches who demand specialization should be banned. And at least 25 percent of all Colorado youth sports events shall be held without parents being allowed to attend.”
Sports Talk Act
“Excessively allowing the use of the following phrases, or variations thereof, on Colorado airwaves shall be deemed the equivalent of allowing unfettered obscenity: a) ‘When are we going get the respect we deserve?’ b) ‘Have you heard anything about (Oklahoma’s/Washington’s/Florida’s/anyone’s) recruiting?’ c) The Nuggets are a little weak at the ‘2,’ and they could use some help at the ‘5’ and maybe should look to draft somebody at the ‘4.”‘
CU-Boulder Sports Act
“The University of Colorado-Boulder shall not receive increased financial support in the state budget until it begins programs in the following sports: a) Men’s baseball. b) Women’s softball. c) Men’s basketball.”
Only a spoilsport would point out the obvious fallacy in this law – the fact that state funding of Colorado higher education is minimal in the first place.
Terry Frei can be reached at 303-954-1895 or tfrei@denverpost.com.
