Now, I’m not the brightest crayon in the box, so let me ask you something: How did the Broncos misplace a 340-pound man?
The local NFL franchise must really be thin in the defensive line to play a marathon game of hide-and-seek with Dan “Big Daddy” Wilkinson.
All ye, all ye, outs in free.
You would have thought Denver coach Mike Shanahan could have gotten Big Daddy to come rumbling into town merely by shouting: Dinner!
It has been two full weeks since the Broncos agreed to a trade with Miami, obtaining Wilkinson in exchange for a sixth-round draft choice, and the 34-year-old defensive tackle cannot be located to take his physical. This sounds like big trouble, or at least a man afraid to peek over his belly at the scary numbers on the scale.
Where in the world is Big Daddy? He has disappeared, without a trace.
Hey, I feel the team’s pain.
Losing stuff is an everyday hassle for me. Regularly unable to find my keys when already running five minutes late for carpool duty, the first place I look is between the cushions of the couch in front of the television.
But Wilkinson is larger than a sofa and the loveseat, for crying out loud.
The deadline for completing the deal has been extended, presumably to give Broncos general manager Ted Sundquist more time to check every buffet line between here and Miami.
Despite our town’s 300 days of sunshine and Shanny’s sunny disposition, Denver might not be quite the destination of choice for NFL players that it was back in John Elway’s day.
Although new running back Travis Henry is as thick as a redwood tree trunk and almost as tough to bring down, and new tight end Daniel Graham is a road grader equipped with soft hands, did anybody else notice the best player obtained lately by the team, cornerback Dré Bly from Detroit, seems in absolutely no hurry to show his face in Colorado?
Hey, if you don’t really want to be here, let us know now.
Shanahan does not take kindly to players who turn in the playbook within hours of kickoff for a big game, as former Denver wide receiver Eddie Kennison, whose favorite route was an “out” pattern, can attest.
Why should the Broncos bend over backward to make room for Big Daddy? He’s a former No. 1 draft choice whose best years are far behind him, and he carries a reputation of preferring to lift a knife and fork rather than barbells, once the football pads are packed away after the last game.
If the Broncos want to gamble, they might do better to pray defensive end Adam Carriker from the University of Nebraska is still on the board when it’s their turn to pick in the opening round.
Wilkinson, my spies tell me, is one of the biggest Star Trek fans in the galaxy.
So maybe the Broncos should boldly go where none of Wilkinson’s previous four NFL employers went before and offer the defensive lineman a pair of plastic Spock ears plus a compact disc featuring William Shatner singing punk rock, if Big Daddy attends at least 90 percent of the team’s offseason conditioning program.
Has it occurred to any member of the Denver brain trust that the smartest move might be to buy Big Daddy a yummy cheeseburger to go from the Cherry Cricket and call this whole deal off?
Wilkinson looks like he could be the biggest personnel mistake committed by the Broncos in the defensive line since their ill-fated experiment with Daryl Gardener, whose most amazing feat with Denver was squeezing his massive frame into a locker at team headquarters to nap during lunch.
Or maybe I’m the one with blubber for brains.
Maybe Big Daddy will make Broncomaniacs forget that defensive lineman Trevor Pryce recorded 13 sacks for Baltimore last season, after Shanahan showed him the door.
Fat chance.
Staff writer Mark Kiszla can be reached at 303-954-1053 or mkiszla@denverpost.com.
