Q: My ex-husband and I each agreed to pay for half of our son’s education. Because he is enrolling in a university where his dad teaches, our son receives a tuition remission, but my ex insists that I must still write him a check for half the tuition because that tuition waiver is his benefit, not mine. Am I ethically obligated to pay?
– H.H., New Jersey
A: There is nothing for you to reimburse; your ex has not paid a dime of tuition. A better way to see this: The university waived the tuition, rather like giving your son a full scholarship.
College costs are variable; not all students pay list price. Had the tuition waiver not been an offer, there’s no telling what financial-aid packages might have been available to your son.
Financial pressures might make your husband feel trapped in his job, but unless he contemplates an imminent departure, he has only a hypothetical problem and not one that you are duty-bound to alleviate with your wallet.
…
Q: My wife’s sister and her husband keep kosher, so we have a special pot for their visits. Recently my wife caught me using the pot for my traif soup. She insists we must buy another pot, but I say as long as my in-laws believe it’s kosher, they won’t violate their faith by using it. Would I be unethical to keep this secret or simply cheap?
– Paul Kramer, Montclair, N.J.
A: Religious laws, like secular ethics, often distinguish between knowing and unknowing transgressions. Menachem Genack, an Orthodox rabbi, confirms that this is so for Kashrut, Jewish dietary codes. Biblical law punishes deliberate violations more severely than inadvertent errors (while contemporary Jews impose no actual punishments for Kashrut violations). This would ameliorate but not obviate your in-laws’ misdeed. Certainly it would not justify your deceiving them.
Putting aside religion, if your in-laws discover your deception, trust between you will be undermined.
Incidentally, there is no need to buy a new pot. You can “kasher” (make kosher) the tainted pot by boiling it and performing other acts; consult your local rabbi for details.
Send questions and comments for Randy Cohen to Universal Press Syndicate, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111, or ethicist@nytimes.com.
