Dear Amy: I have been married for almost 17 years, and we have a wonderful teenage daughter.
We have a good life, complete with family vacations and good values, and we all spend a lot of time together.
I am fun loving, have a good sense of humor and keep the fun in our relationship. My husband is the complete opposite. He is conservative and hardworking, and he is a wonderful father and provider. He doesn’t drink or smoke, but he is incredibly noncommunicative when I come to him about things that he does that bother me.
I offer encouragement to him, compliment him, pay attention to him and try to make him feel special. He does not return the favor, and when I try to tell him how I feel, he’ll listen but will offer nothing further, and he doesn’t change his ways.
I have tried not speaking to him, but after a few days I am the one who breaks the ice to relieve tension.
I’m not speaking to him now, but this time I have no interest in being the one to clear the air. He seems content to live out our lives with no pressure on him to change, and as long as I don’t talk about anything sensitive, he’s fine.
We have a regular sex life but not lately. I’ve told him over and over again that it’s difficult for me when he isn’t interested in changing anything to make me feel better. He isn’t interested in any kind of counseling, either.
We have always been committed to our marriage, but I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I am at the end of my rope and am ready to look into a divorce. Am I wrong to expect him to change or listen to me after all of these years?
– Resigned
Dear Resigned: If your husband is committed to your marriage as you say, then how does he show it? By letting you spin your wheels – always guessing what he is thinking and feeling? That’s not much of a commitment on his part. When you commit to a marriage, you also commit to a person. Without a personal commitment to a spouse’s happiness and satisfaction, you’re left with two people brooding separately.
Please see a therapist. Talking this through with a counselor might help you to see what changes you can make to improve your situation.
Therapy would provide an outlet for you to discuss some of these sensitive matters with someone who will actually listen, answer, ask tough questions and encourage you to explore your own motivations and behavior.
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