Curious as to how long Alberto Gonzales would remain as U.S. attorney general, I called my favorite inside source: Ananias Ziegler, a retired lieutenant colonel who handles media relations for the Committee That Really Runs America.
I had to leave several messages on his voice mail before he returned my call. He was apologetic. “I somehow got stuck on the line with some manic zealot,” he explained.
“I know the feeling,” I sympathized. “It happens to all of us.”
“Not like this,” Ziegler moaned. “This woman was really upset that the administration would not allow Karl Rove and other White House staffers to testify under oath in public before Congress.”
“Well, if they planned to tell the truth, what’s the harm in that?” I wondered innocently.
“It’s more complicated than that,” Ziegler huffed. “A lot of public business really isn’t the public’s business, if you know what I mean.” He caught his breath. “Besides, this crazy woman didn’t stop there. She said that in all fairness, Congress ought to be able to use any method that this administration might have approved for questioning people, like waterboarding or sleep deprivation or extended stress positions, to get honest answers from these honorable public servants. Can you believe that?”
The notion had a certain logic, but I moved on. “How long before Gonzales is asked to resign over this firing of federal attorneys?”
Ziegler tried to spin it. “You are aware that they serve at the pleasure of the president, and can be replaced at any time for any reason, or for no reason at all?” he asked.
Of course I was aware of that, and I told him so.
“So nobody owes anybody any explanation,” Ziegler said. “Besides, Bill Clinton fired all 93 U.S. district attorneys when he took office. There weren’t any hearings about that.”
I was getting impatient. “Why is it that Republicans are now using “Clinton did it” as an excuse? Wasn’t this administration supposed to change things? Now, back to Gonzales.”
Ziegler confessed he wasn’t sure, but if he had to bet, it would be in the “days, not weeks” range.
“So Gonzales might be out before this gets printed?” I asked.
“Cross your fingers,” Ziegler said. “Any other questions?”
“Why does this administration seem so bent on appointing rewarding loyalty instead of competence? These fired attorneys, for instance, some of them got good performance reviews, but they were still replaced with ‘loyal Bushies.’And look at your appointments, like ‘Heckuva Job Brownie’ at FEMA and Rumsfeld failing in Iraq.”
Ziegler interrupted me. “These people are competent in being loyal to our president. And that’s their most important job, because our president is the Decider, and how is he supposed to be the Decider if other people get to decide things?”
“I never thought of it that way,” I confessed.
“Of course you didn’t,” Ziegler said. “People like you never see the big picture.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. “So why don’t you paint it for me?”
“Remember, we have an ideology that ‘government is the problem, not the solution.’ And the current administration has succeeded brilliantly in demonstrating how bad government can be. The way things are going, the American people will come to see this for themselves very soon, and our philosophy will triumph in the end.”
With that, he excused himself and hung up.
Ed Quillen of Salida (ed@cozine.com) is a former newspaper editor whose column appears Tuesday and Sunday.
