Dear Amy: We invited a 12-year-old friend of our son’s along with us to a movie outing to celebrate our son’s birthday. We frequently invite friends to join us for various outings.
We went to a restaurant. My son and his 6-year-old sibling generally order off of the child’s menu. When the waiter came, our guest ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and topped it off with the most expensive appetizer – a family sampler platter intended to be shared by an entire family.
He ate it without sharing, and he proceeded to belch four or five times throughout the rest of the meal. Then he pointed and made a loud comment about an interracial couple that walked by. When the bill came, it was $80, $40 of which was what our guest ordered. This was the last thing we expected when we let our son bring a friend.
The movie was an additional $70, but I ordered the snacks and gave them to the kids, because by now I was on to this one. I told my son he needs to make some new friends this year. Is this common?
– Used and Embarrassed
Dear Used: When you have a guest child with you, you have an obligation to inform that child about your boundaries and values – before you judge him harshly for violating them. I first learned this years ago when I took a group of kids to what I thought would be an inexpensive meal of pizza and pasta. When several kids decided to order the steak, I simply asked them to choose something less expensive. They seemed happy to do so.
There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Brian, do me a favor and see if there’s something on the kids menu that you would like to order.” You also can ask him to skip the appetizer or say, “Could you share that appetizer with the rest of us? Thank you!” When you are with a child who makes an inappropriate comment about someone else, you should find a way to tell him or her that, in your family, you don’t do that by saying, “You know, I don’t think it’s a good idea to comment about people who you don’t know, OK?” Then you cheerfully change the subject.
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Dear Amy: “A Golden Goose” wrote you bewildered and offended that her friends didn’t respond to her sudden rise in wealth.
It’s probably “Goose’s” fault.
Goose undoubtedly responded to her good fortune by rushing to inform her less well-off friends of her good fortune. She probably assumed that they’d react to her with the same glee she felt for herself.
Instead they reacted just like normal people who saw a peer suddenly elevated to a degree of financial affluence and security they worry they’ll never attain.
To put it simply, hearing of a friend’s financial misfortune makes us feel better about our own situation, while hearing of another’s financial boon evokes jealousy and resentment.
The lesson to Goose’s story is to keep your finances private, but invite people to think that you’re less well off than you are. Your friends will love you the more for thinking that their fortunes are better than yours.
– Another Take
Dear Take: I agree that a windfall can evoke jealousy in friends and family, but I can’t imagine that anyone is happy to see a friend or family member suffer a financial reversal.
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