Dear Amy: I am the mother of a 3-year-old boy who has a close relationship with his father. We have been together for six years. We’re not married and currently are not living together. I am happy that I have a safe and cleaner place than his.
The other day when I was at his house, I logged on to check my e-mail. I could see his computer’s history and saw that he had been looking at pornography featuring very young girls. This disturbed me, so I asked him to come over and explain it.
He started yelling at me. Soon it escalated into his shouting at me with foul language and then physically trying to attack me. His two aunts intervened before he could do something to me physically.
Our son started crying. He was scared and didn’t understand why his father was yelling at Mommy. He even told his dad, “Please don’t yell.” He did not listen to his own son, and he continued shouting profanities at me.
Whenever he gets angry, he gets verbally abusive in front of our 3-year-old.
I am afraid that our son will learn from his behavior. However, we work together in real estate, and I don’t know how to deal with his behavior in terms of our business and child.
I have not spoken to him for a week.
He will not see a counselor. I have asked him to do so numerous times.
What can I do to improve this situation?
– Concerned
Dear Concerned: I understand the desire to try to fix this relationship for your son’s sake, but rather than turn yourself inside out to have a relationship with someone who abuses you, you should turn your energy toward figuring out how to distance yourself from him in a way that doesn’t harm your son.
It is illegal to possess images of child pornography. Keep this in mind if he has downloaded these photos onto his computer. Your guy’s interest in this material is sick. If everything you say is true, your guy is not fit to be a parent.
You need to see a lawyer to learn what your legal rights are in regard to your son, and you should consider extracting yourself from your business and your personal relationship.
Your son shouldn’t spend time alone with his father until he can establish that he is able to provide a safe environment for your child. Family court will help you work this out.
Your primary responsibility is to your son. Please don’t forget that.
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