Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for four years. We’ve been together for 12 years. Our son is a year old.
By all accounts, we have a pretty good marriage and enjoy a nice lifestyle.
Recently I was using my husband’s laptop and was able to view his personal e-mail account. I know that I should have respected his privacy.
I found out that he sent two electronic Valentine’s Day cards to two ex-girlfriends. The card says that he missed their conversations and was thinking about them.
One woman wrote back to my husband instructing him to not contact her again because she is in a serious relationship and does not want to communicate with “single men.” I am bothered by this revelation because it shows that my husband has not revealed to these women that he is married.
When I confronted my husband about this, he was angry at me for reading his e-mails. He also insisted that he has done nothing improper.
He said that he has not contacted those women in years and that the cards were just to stay in touch with them.
He says I am overreacting.
I am pretty sure that my husband is not physically cheating on me.
However, I am still very bothered by this.
Am I overreacting. Should I just forget this?
– Bothered in Los Angeles
Dear Bothered: This incident could be a gift to your marriage, but only if you use it to deepen your intimate understanding of each other. You can’t do this by avoiding and ignoring. You do it by drilling into the heart of your union and talking about things, even when it’s painful to do so.
Husbands and wives sometimes reach a point in the relationship when they daydream about previous relationships, wondering “what might have been.” The Internet makes it almost too easy to reach out.
After 12 years together, you and your husband have entered the grand and challenging “adolescence” of your relationship. Invite him into counseling with you so that you can explore your feelings and frustrations in a supportive environment.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
