Chicago – Call it a reward, or just “bribery.” Whichever it is, many parents today readily admit to buying off their children, who get goodies for anything from behaving in a restaurant to sleeping all night in their own beds.
Often, the rewards are for behaviors their own parents would have simply expected, just because they said so. The new dynamic – sometimes seen as a backlash to that strictness – has some parenting experts wondering if today’s parents have gone too soft.
“It’s definitely more our generation,” Kirsten Whipple, 35, a mom in Northbrook, Ill., says with a quiet laugh. “I’m sure our parents would be appalled if they knew how much we bribe our children.”
Whipple has noticed a downside – what she calls a “sense of entitlement.”
“Oftentimes, it leads to good behavior with a question attached: ‘What are you going to give me?”‘ she says.
That’s part of what worries parenting experts.
“I think that reward systems have a time and a place and work really well to help develop capacities – if we need them to go above and beyond,” says Marcy Safyer, director of the Adelphi University Institute for Parenting.
It’s unrealistic to think a parent wouldn’t reward their children with material things sometimes, says Robin Lanzi, a mother of four who is research director at the Center on Health and Education at Georgetown University.
“But you want to make sure that they (rewards) match the behavior, so it’s not something huge for something small,” she says.
Sometimes, “because I said so” is still a valid tactic. But for something like children sleeping in their own beds, Safyer suggests putting stars on a chart for each night a child is able to stay in his or her room – and then making a big deal about the progress.
“Parents’ pride in their children goes a long way,” she says.
