Dear Amy: When I had my first child four years ago, my mother came to live with us and help with the baby. Being a first-time mother and in a new country without many friends and relatives, I don’t know what I would have done without her.
She is still living with us.
Mind you, she is a great help and I love having her around. She is a nice person, and because my father passed away about six years ago, she would have had to live alone.
My mother is 56, healthy, well-off, and I’m sure she can find a life of her own, but I know that she would prefer to live with us.
I can’t help thinking – shouldn’t I get a chance to run a family without this “help”? I’d like some privacy sometimes. I’d like for my husband, son and me to bond as a family.
In a few years, I know that my husband’s family will also want to live with us, as they are getting older and this is common in our native culture. All of this is driving me up the wall.
Is this natural or am I being selfish?
– J
Dear J: You don’t say what your native culture is, but American families tend to form tight and individual units when they have children, living apart from their parents.
If you want your situation to change, then you’re going to have to change it. Your mother will never get the hint that you’d rather she live elsewhere. You’ll need to tell her.
This will go best if you present your mother with a definite plan, a deadline and some ideas for homes nearby you think she would like.
Your mother is relatively young and her full-time presence in your home might be hindering her ability to meet people her own age. Help her meet and make friends before she leaves your home; the change will be easier on her if you do. I hope that you will stay close.
…
Dear Amy: LWhat do you think about the use of the word “girl” to refer to someone who is easily old enough to be considered a woman? My feminist sensibilities are in a twist.
It is clearly not appropriate in a professional setting, as in, “My boss is such a great girl” (cringe), but it seems OK in a friendly conversation, as in “My brother’s wife is such a great girl (compliment).
Maybe “girl” is the equivalent of “guy” in friendly talks?
– MD
Dear Md: “Girl” is not the equivalent of “guy.” It is the equivalent of “boy.” I don’t like it when grown women are called “girls” or referred to as “girls,” but that’s partly a generational (and perhaps regional) preference.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
