Dear Amy: I’m in a book club with three other members, two of whom smoke. We are all very good friends.
A mutual acquaintance of ours has lung cancer. She is not doing very well. She used to be a smoker. At a recent meeting, we were sitting there chatting about this sick friend, and two of the smokers were puffing away. I felt as if my head would explode.
I wanted to say, “Hello! Can’t you figure it out?!” but I don’t want to make them mad.
Is there a tactful way to approach them about their smoking?
– Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned: Your friends’ right to smoke shouldn’t trump your right to ask them about it – and ask them not to do it around you.
No doubt these women are aware of the relationship between smoking and lung cancer, but they probably don’t know how their smoking makes you feel. Aside from the emotional issue, evidently none of you is aware of or concerned about secondhand smoke. Last year the surgeon general released a report saying that secondhand smoke “causes disease and death in children and nonsmoking adults.” You can view the report at epa.gov/smokefree.
At the next book club meeting, don’t sit there waiting for your head to explode. Say what’s on your mind. You can say, “I find it really upsetting to sit here talking about Wendy’s lung cancer while you two smoke. You’re also exposing the rest of us to secondhand smoke. Can you explain what you’re thinking?”
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Dear Amy: My friends and I have a mutual friend for whom we all pitched in and had a huge and expensive baby shower for her first baby. Now, less than 18 months later, she is pregnant again. We are all very happy for her, but she has intimated that she expects yet another baby shower.
We aren’t relishing this prospect, although several of our friends have begrudgingly agreed to host another one among ourselves.
To date, we have not given the mother-to-be an answer. I say that under the rules of etiquette, we are not required to host another baby shower because you only get one for the first child from that same group of friends.
If a different group wants to host it, then fine. This could truly get ridiculous if she decides to give birth to an army of children.
What is the proper thing to do?
– Confused and Bullied
Dear Bullied: Nobody should be able to bully her way into a second baby shower from the same group of people who hosted her first shower. That has nothing to do with etiquette and everything to do with you and your friends needing to grow backbones.
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