They’ve got us where they want us.
Hooked and craving resolution, racing toward climactic finales that will run during the crucial month of May.
We’ll grudgingly sit through spring’s overinflated comedies (supersized!), endure commercially interrupted movies and padded results shows, resenting the networks all the way. At times we’ll admit we love it.
The May sweeps, when ratings are measured to set future advertising rates, traditionally bring out the stunt casting, weddings and gasp-inducing cliffhangers. This year is no different. Unless you count a scratch ‘n’ sniff takeoff as a breakthrough.
How about a twist on the old smell-o-vision gag (they’re calling it “laugh ‘n’ sniff”), with scented insert cards available on newsstands promoting an episode of NBC’s “My Name Is Earl”? File with the 3-D glasses from years past and keep moving.
No spoilers here, just a rundown of the highlights:
ABC, KMGH-Channel 7
The network offers a Saturday-night movie, “Meet the Fockers,” on May 5; Rita Moreno plays a long-lost aunt on “Ugly Betty” on May 10; “Betty” has its season finale May 17.
Better still, a “Lost” two-hour installment May 23 promises to answer key questions. (While holding our breath, we wonder how many times we’ll believe that come-on.)
CBS, KCNC-Channel 4
The Tiffany network is promoting the fact that somebody dies on “Jericho” in the season finale, May 9, assuming anyone cares. The “Survivor: Fiji” two-hour finale, May 13, is followed by a one-hour live reunion show. “The 42nd Annual Academy of Country Music Awards,” hosted by Reba McEntire, is slated live from Las Vegas’ MGM Grand on Tuesday, May 15. Oh, and don’t forget the Bob Barker primetime specials, May 16 and 17, paying tribute to the master’s upcoming retirement after 35 years of hosting “The Price Is Right,” TV’s longest-running game show.
CW, KWGN-Channel 2
“Smallville” gets arty on May 3 with a black-and-white episode titled “Noir,” in which Jimmy Olsen (Aaron Ashmore) experiences what life was like in the 1940s. The series season finale, May 17, has Clark (Tom Welling) discovering why Lana (Kristin Kreuk) really married Lex (Michael Rosenbaum). All we know is somebody dies, somebody leaves the series.
To the chagrin of certain long-suffering fans, “7th Heaven” finally retreats to the trivia books with a series finale on CW May 13.
Fox, KDVR-Channel 31
Two days’ worth of Jack Bauer action gets packed into the two-hour season finale of “24” on May 21. As producer Howard Gordon warned, Jack and Audrey don’t ride off together to settle in suburban Simi Valley. The goal is dramatic satisfaction, not a happy season ending.
Fox drags out the “American Idol” finale to two nights, May 22 (performances) and 23 (results). The eagerly anticipated moviemaking competition “On the Lot,” from Mark Burnett and Steven Spielberg, has two “audition” episodes, May 22 and 24. Actor/author Carrie Fisher (“Star Wars,” “Postcards From the Edge”), directors/producers Brett Ratner (“Rush Hour 3,” “X-Men 3: The Last Stand”), Garry Marshall (“Georgia Rule,” “The Princess Diaries,” “Pretty Woman”) and Jon Avnet (“The Starter Wife,” “Fried Green Tomatoes,” “Risky Business”), will serve as judges for Fox’s Spielberg-wannabe reality show.
NBC, KUSA-Channel 9
“Earl’s” supersized and odorama-enhanced season finale is May 3. A “Saturday Night Live” primetime special on May 6 reviews the show’s best bits of the ’90s – think Hans and Franz, Wayne’s World and It’s Pat. The “Heroes” season finale on May 21, “How to Stop an Exploding Man,” written by creator-executive producer Tim Kring, brings Volume 1 to a close and opens Volume 2. Surprise nuptials (Abby and Luka) are only part of an “ER” cliffhanger on May 17. Chris “Ludacris” Bridges has a guest role on the “Law & Order: SVU” season finale, May 22.
Note, before we even get to the sweeps, NBC sends off “30 Rock” for the season with Elaine Stritch as a guest on April 26. The wonderful but low-rated series will be back next year, but won’t have to battle for an audience in May.
On cable, a new drama has a temporary finale and an acclaimed veteran closes for good.
FX: The first season finale of the Eddie Izzard-Minnie Driver drama “The Riches” goes out with an episode titled “Waiting for Dogot” on May 28.
HBO: The premium pay network delivers the heralded series finale of “The Sopranos” May 20. Time is up, but the betting continues on Tony’s last shot: hail of bullets, life in prison or choking on baked ziti?
Last May, the buzz was that the cliffhanger had grown up. TV’s season enders had finally matured from fiery car crashes and bombings (“Dynasty’s” classically overdone Moldavian massacre, anyone?) to more emotional-intellectual dilemmas (what’s in the hatch?). This year, the standard seems to be reverting to old standbys, exploding and sniffing.
TV critic Joanne Ostrow can be reached at 303-954-1830 or jostrow@denverpost.com.
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That’s a wrap
The networks offer up the usual spectacles during May sweeps. Here’s what to look for:
CBS “Survivor: Fiji,” two-hour finale, May 13, KCNC-Channel 4.
CW “7th Heaven” above, series finale, May 13; “Smallville,” season finale, May 17, KWGN-Channel 2
Fox “24,” two-hour season finale, May 21; “American Idol,” season finale, May 22-23, KDVR-Channel 31.
NBC “ER,” cliffhanger, May 17; “Heroes,” above, season finale, May 21, KUSA-Channel 9.
ABC “Lost,” two-hour season finale, May 23, KMGH-Channel 7.
