When I was a lad in school and learned about debate, I was told that it meant arguing about a formal proposition with affirmative, negative and rebuttals. When Abraham Lincoln and Stephen A. Douglas debated in their U.S. Senate campaign of 1858, each spoke for three hours, then got another 90 minutes for rebuttal.
So it seems like false advertising to call last week’s gathering of Republican presidential candidates in California a “debate.” With 10 men each getting at most a minute apiece to respond to a variety of questions, it was more like a cross between a game show and a reality show, and I kept waiting for a chance to vote someone off the platform.
Even so, the process could be made even faster and simpler with this Republican Presidential Candidate Multiple Choice Test:
1. The greatest president in American history is:
A) Reagan.
B) Ronald Reagan.
C) Ronald Wilson Reagan.
D) Any of the above.
2. The theory of evolution is:
A) Just that, a theory.
B) Untrue because it’s not in Genesis.
C) A threat to the immortal souls of impressionable American youth.
D) A valid justification for the clear benefits of social Darwinism.
3. I believe in “free trade,” except for:
A) People importing cheaper prescription drugs from Canada.
B) People importing uncontrollable substances from Mexico.
C) People gambling at off-shore Internet sites.
D) People importing cheaper labor from Mexico.
4. The war in Iraq has made America safer and stronger because:
A) With Iraq’s oil mostly off the market, gasoline prices have risen so that Americans walk more and drive less.
B) Local National Guard units can respond more quickly to emergencies because they’re not tied down maintaining equipment that was sent overseas.
C) By financing it with debt purchased by China, that country has a stake in our continued well-being, and otherwise might be poisoning our supply of pet food.
D) It gives us a base for attacking Iran and thereby diverting public attention away from Alberto Gonzales, Jack Abramoff, Scooter Libby, etc.
5. Illegal immigrants should be:
A) Put to work building a wall and moat along the border.
B) Rounded up and deported.
C) Rounded up and shot.
D) Recognized for their contributions toward lower wages, thus causing higher profits for my campaign contributors.
6. What is the best way to promote a “culture of life” today?
A) Make procuring an abortion a capital offense.
B) Make performing an abortion a capital offense.
C) Investigate all miscarriages as homicides until proven otherwise.
D) Keep all dying people on life-support, at least until their insurance runs out.
7. What best describes your view of “separation of church and state”?
A) It’s not in the Constitution.
B) It’s not in the Bible.
C) It’s a myth like “global warming.”
D) It means the government should not perform audits when it gives tax money to “faith-based” programs.
8. The tax most in need of repeal is:
A) The death tax.
B) The marriage penalty.
C) The graduated income tax.
D) How dare you say the T-word where children might hear it?
9. The greatest threat to America today is:
A) Environmentalists.
B) Homosexuals.
C) Atheists.
D) San Francisco values.
10) Which of the following statements by President George W. Bush do you most agree with?
A) “We need an energy bill that encourages consumption,” on Sept. 23, 2002.
B) “Bring ’em on” on July 2, 2003.
C) “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job,” on Sept. 2, 2005.
D) George who?
Remember, there are no wrong answers here, at least for someone seeking the GOP presidential nomination. And think how much faster the “debates” would go if we could just use letters instead of those tedious 60-second explanations of their views on public policy questions.
Ed Quillen of Salida (ed@cozine.com) is a former newspaper editor whose column appears Tuesday and Sunday.
