Dear Amy: The other night my large family (seven children, my wife and I) went to dinner at a local restaurant.
We made reservations for a family of nine. Upon our arrival, we had to wait for the table to be set up. As we were waiting, my children were eager to be seated.
As the waiter came to seat us, I overheard a patron saying to the hostess, “Please don’t seat them by us,” meaning my children! I went back to the waiting area and confronted this man. I asked him if there was a problem with my children that he didn’t want to sit by them? When the hostess saw me confront this man, she ushered me to the table, saying that everything was OK.
Amy, everything was not OK. I wanted to leave, but my wife didn’t want to make a scene.
Was I wrong to react as I did?
– Proud N.Y. Dad
Dear Proud: I don’t want to be seated next to your kids, either. Much of the time, I don’t want to be seated with my own. Your children are lovely, I’m sure. But picture this: I’ve just hired a sitter, leaving my own kids at home to have a rare intimate dinner with my spouse. I don’t want to sit next to your kids.
Or I’ve just scored a meeting with my client who’s passing through town. I don’t want to sit next to your kids.
Or I’ve got my elderly mother with me and she doesn’t hear so well.
Yup. No kids for me, please.
You say that you overheard this gentleman speaking to the hostess.
I assume that he didn’t deliberately direct his comment to you. You shouldn’t have confronted him. I would even go so far as to say that, in this instance, you set a poor example for your children.
…
Dear Amy: I am beginning to feel like a B&B when family members call to say that they are taking their vacation and planning to stay with me (at their specified time).
I am happy to see people, and I’m grateful that they think of me, but preparing three meals a day, waiting on them, and doing most of the cleaning up while they lounge around my house gets tiring.
One visitor made a face when I said what I had prepared for dinner and then suggested that we go out. We did. When no one moved to pick up the check for dinner, I looked at it, put a generous amount of cash for my dinner and tip with it, and handed it to her husband, only to have him say, “Oh, am I supposed to pay for this?” It was uncomfortable, and it has bothered me since. I didn’t think that I should have to pay for their meals.
I also find that people don’t seem to want to make plans for activities during their trips, which makes meal-planning challenging.
Should I pay for meals and entertainment when we go out? It would be nice if at least once during a visit, someone would say, “Let’s go out for lunch/dinner – my treat.”
– Feeling A Bit Used
Dear Feeling: Your house-guests sound like ungrateful layabouts.
Unfortunately for you, they are also family members. Otherwise you could hang out your “no vacancy” sign and be done with them.
You don’t help by behaving like a doormat.
If one of your guests made a face at your cooking, insisted on going out and expected you to pay, then you could assume that that person didn’t wish to stay at your home again.
You are going to have to be uncharacteristically assertive in letting family members know exactly what does and does not work for you in terms of having them stay with you.
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