Dear Amy: We are having a “grandma” problem.
My husband and I adopted children of another race. We knew there was potential for problems within the family, but we hoped that over time everything would work out. (Our children are 3-year-old twins.) Unfortunately, we’re having problems.
My mother-in-law will make comments such as “all girls of that ethnicity are whiny” or “all the boys are bad-tempered and lazy.” If she were doing this all the time, I would simply keep the kids away from her. The problem is that 75 percent of the time everything is fine. We will come to visit, and she will enjoy the kids. The rest of the time, we will get the occasional snide comment. Even worse, I think that she honestly believes it.
I have stated angrily that I disagree and don’t want to hear it. My husband has done similar things, but nothing seems to work.
My children are getting old enough to understand what she is saying. Is there any option left, or do I simply cut her from my children’s life? I don’t want to be mean or cruel to an 80-year-old woman, but I have to protect my children. Any advice?
– Worried
Dear Worried: Every time your mother-in- law disparages your children’s race, she cuts to the quick of who they are. Your children are going to face their share of questions and challenges as they grow. Family should be a source of warmth and acceptance.
You and your husband should sit down and craft a direct but respectful letter to your mother-in-law. Tell her that you are blessed to be parents and that you treasure the fact that your kids have a grandmother in their lives. Then tell her how you feel about these remarks. Say that the next time you hear her make any sort of disparaging remark regarding them or their ethnicity, you will have to scoop up the kids and leave.
To prove that you mean business, if this happens again – off you go.
…
Dear Amy: I work with a small group of people. One of my co-workers, whom I’ll call Cindy, has a brother I’ll call Richard.
According to Cindy, Richard cheated on his wife a few years ago and then divorced the wife to marry the mistress.
Cindy talks about this situation at least once a week. She is still angry with Richard for leaving his first wife and two children, and she insists on telling all of us about the details of the nasty e-mails she exchanges with him.
I find Cindy’s habit of talking about this situation at work completely inappropriate. I have tried to show my lack of interest by walking away or by changing the subject, but she continues.
I can’t figure out if any of my other co-workers share my views, as some of them engage her in these conversations, and I’m reluctant to go to my boss because I generally believe that if it’s my problem, then I need to attempt to deal with it.
What do you recommend? Should I just let it go? Should I confront Cindy?
– Annoyed
Dear Annoyed: This annoyance is not an appropriate issue to take to your boss – unless the yammering somehow interferes with your or Cindy’s ability to get work done.
You could try telling her that this sort of personal family gossip bothers you.
Cindy might try to restrain herself. But if she can’t, at least she won’t wonder why you exit when she starts in on her favorite topic.
After that, leave it alone. Being obnoxious is not a crime – at the office or in life – and you don’t get to dictate to other people what they are allowed to talk about.
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