He hates the Lakers. He loves L.A.
The eternally tortured Kobe Bryant can’t make up his mind.
Some new scenery to chew might be good for the NBA’s biggest drama king.
In his latest hissy fit, Bryant has suggested the Lakers trade him to Pluto.
Excellent idea.
Anywhere but here.
We do not need Bryant in Denver.
As much as the Nuggets respect the many splendid talents of Bryant, don’t count on Denver to be involved in any serious trade discussions for him.
The reason why is simple dollars and common sense. The cost is too high for a prima donna who talks out of both sides of his mouth and sends mixed messages about his desire to depart Los Angeles or stay with the Lakers in a single breath.
Do you really want to trade 23-year-old forward Carmelo Anthony for Bryant, who has nearly 30,000 minutes of NBA wear and tear on his body?
No, no, no.
What, are you crazy?
To even consider trading Bryant, the Lakers would need a player with proven scoring power, healthy young legs and extreme Hollywood appeal.
Guess what. Anthony is the lone man on the Denver roster who fits that description.
And Denver is not going to trade Anthony for the brooding Bryant.
At least that’s the very strong indication I got Wednesday from league insiders.
The trouble with Bryant is it’s always something.
Even when he was winning championships, Bryant could not play nice with teammate Shaquille O’Neal.
Sure, there’s nobody in the league who’s tougher than Bryant on the court when the game is tied and you need a hero to make a big shot at the buzzer.
But need I remind you that Bryant has also spent some seriously tense times in a Colorado court, where law and order has nothing to do with basketball?
Of course, Bryant has never been found guilty of anything worse than being such a royal pain that he has even driven Zen master Phil Jackson a little bonkers.
As much as fans in Denver might fantasize about Bryant making the Nuggets a dream team of stars, it’s not going to happen.
Denver would almost certainly have to begin any trade negotiations by offering Anthony and 33-year-old center Marcus Camby in order to win approval from NBA salary cap czars and get a thumbs-up from Lakers fanatic Jack Nicholson.
Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke is way too smart to do that.
Or did you not notice that while his Denver teammates stumbled, Anthony did a very good imitation of a franchise player in the playoffs against San Antonio?
Now, if the Lakers were open to the idea of taking the $19 million salary of Iverson straight up for Bryant, the Nuggets would definitely talk trade.
But Denver also knows the Lakers would be crazy to go for that deal. With A.I. soon turning 32 years, he lacks the longevity to have much appeal as a leading man in the show biz capital of the world.
Why is Kobe so crabby?
It has become painfully obvious to Bryant that he cannot lift the Lakers to glory by himself. Maybe the 11-year veteran should have taken the money and run across town to the Clippers when he had the chance.
Starved for attention, Bryant is doing what he does even better than swish a 20-foot jumper.
He’s making a fuss, which might not necessarily be all bad, considering the yawns being induced by the sluggo San Antonio Spurs and the misfiring Detroit Pistons as the playoffs stumble through the conference finals.
Unable to ever be like Mike, all that remains for Bryant is to cement his reputation as a bad actor.
And aren’t there already enough of those unseemly characters in Hollywood?
Lakers owner Jerry Buss has released a statement insisting he still loves Bryant and wants to build a team around his pouting superstar.
No matter what they say today, the Lakers would be smart to start seriously shopping Bryant tomorrow. This is a basketball marriage gone so rotten you can smell the stench 1,000 miles away.
So trade Bryant to Chicago or Phoenix.
Anywhere but here.
The last thing Colorado needs is another kooky Californian.
Staff writer Mark Kiszla can be reached at 303-954-1053 or mkiszla@denverpost.com.
