Dear Amy: I am contemplating following my heart into a line of work that I feel passionate about, but I don’t want to make my family suffer.
I’m a 44-year-old wife and mother of healthy and smart girls, 7 and 8. My husband is a detective. I was hired as a police officer 10 years ago, but I was going through a difficult divorce during the training, and I really struggled during that time.
I felt a huge loss of dignity when I was taken off the street because of the situation. I stayed home with my babies for six years. I am now emotionally recovered, believe that my family is stable, and I have an incredibly supportive husband. I have known that I wanted to help people in this way since I was very young. It involves shift work and long hours and inflexibility.
The academy and training are stressful, but I believe I can get through it successfully. Is it fair to put my family through the changes in schedule, or should I just let my dream go?
– Janet
Dear Janet: The best thing for your family is for you to be happy, secure and fulfilled in your work and home life. It’s a tall order in the best of circumstances. Your situation is extra challenging.
If your husband has steady, predictable hours and can commit to being the primary parent for your children during your training and afterward, then your kids will adjust. However, their lives will change radically, and they’ll notice and feel your absence.
You need to make sure that you are doing this for the right reasons. You also need to realistically assess the impact of this dramatic life change not only on your children but also on you.
You should pursue every avenue for job counseling (from your union and/or department) before you make this leap. There might be a professional compromise that will allow you the satisfaction of police work in a less demanding way.
Dear Amy: I come from a large family, and our own families are increasing steadily, with some of us having our second or third child.
In-laws of my siblings (more than one set) have taken it upon themselves to comment negatively about this. Recently, when one of my sisters told her in-laws that they were expecting again, they were treated to snide joking: “You know what causes that, don’t you?” and then derogatory commentary about how many rooms their house was going to need, etc.
I think it is the height of rudeness to comment to someone about the size of his or her family. It is an extremely private matter, and I cannot imagine any of these people going up to someone who was childless and making a snide remark, like, “Don’t you know they have medical procedures for fertility problems nowadays?”
– Anne in Md.
Dear Anne: It is my experience in life and in this column that in-laws have a tendency to say the darnedest things! No doubt they think they’re being amusing when they make clever remarks about pregnancies. Don’t compound their breach by being rude in return. If they’re testing their comedy stylings by making a one-time remark, you can say, “Well, we’re just trying to give you more family to love.”
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