Dear Amy: When I was 19, I was raped at a party.
Except for with licensed therapists, I have never talked to anyone about what happened to me.
I am now 24 and have been dating a man for the past 10 months.
Early in our relationship, he asked why I was so shy of him, and I told him that I had little experience with men, and what experience I did have was bad.
I didn’t tell him the complete truth, because I thought it was too soon to tell him something so emotionally loaded.
Since then, he has been extremely patient with me, and he has expressed an interest to “understand where I’m coming from” regarding physical intimacy. I know that my continued silence on the subject hurts him, and that this has become a sticking point in our relationship.
He’s caring and very gentle, but he is also increasingly frustrated with the lack of a deeper physical and emotional commitment. He wants to be with me, and he refuses to make another move until he understands why we’re still not having sex after 10 months. I’m afraid that telling him the truth will upset him or make him think less of me.
I want to be open and honest with him, but every time I try to talk to him, I chicken out.
How can I tell him about what happened without causing him (or me) undue distress?
– Afraid of the Consequences
Dear Afraid: What you are going through and what you’re feeling is completely understandable.
If you are able to, please get in touch with one of the therapists who counseled you after the rape. You need extra support and encouragement at this time. You could also call the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network’s hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673). The RAINN Website,, offers a very helpful search tool where you can type in your home ZIP code and find a counseling center near you.
The most important aspect of becoming emotionally and sexually intimate with someone is the ability to tell the unvarnished truth with the belief that you’ll be understood. You deserve to trust a man – and this man deserves the opportunity to prove to you what he’s made of. Good luck to you both.
…
Dear Amy: I just had to write when I read the letter from “Mom and Grandma” giving advice to the middle-school girls who wanted to wear shoulder baring dresses at their graduation. She said they should wear shawls over their bare shoulders.
My problem with her suggestion is the fact that there is a dress code set forth by the school. Why can’t that rule be followed? In the past, parents supported rules; now they are teaching children that a rule doesn’t mean anything if they don’t like the rule.
This rule is pretty insignificant in the scheme of things, but no one wants to follow even the most basic rules anymore. Why?
– Ruled Out
Dear Ruled Out: I completely agree with you. In my original answer, I told the middle-schooler that they would violate their dress code at their peril. Then I was flooded by letters (mainly from grandmothers, for some reason) suggesting ways for these girls to beat the system.
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