Dear Amy: A few days ago while at my home, my grandson (age 9) and his cousin (age 13) were playing down in the basement when, after a while, the 13-year-old came upstairs alone.
I went to the basement to look for my grandson, and I found him crying. His face was all red. I asked him what was wrong, and he kept saying “nothing” – all the while with tears in his eyes.
I asked if his cousin did something to make him feel uncomfortable, and he said yes. I asked him to tell me about it. At first, he just shrugged his shoulders, but then he said, “He was on top of me and kept tickling me, and it bothered me and he wouldn’t stop.” I asked if anything else happened. He said no. I told my daughter about this, and she said that he probably just got “over-tickled,” but I am worried.
I told my daughter not to leave him alone with his cousin. Do you think that I am overreacting?
– Worried Grams
Dear Grams: Clearly you are worried that something sexual might have happened, and obviously, that is possible. You shouldn’t query your grandson too aggressively but tell him, “Sometimes when a bigger boy plays with a smaller boy, it can feel uncomfortable. You can always come to me any time you’re worried or hurt, OK?” If you continue to have questions or concerns, you can contact your local Children’s Advocacy Center and ask for advice (even anonymously). You can find your local center through the National Children’s Alliance Website, nca-online.org.
I agree that these two boys should not be left alone. The age difference between them means that the younger boy could be too easily manipulated or dominated, as this tickling episode demonstrates.
Excessive tickling is abusive; it is a common tactic of bullies to torture by tackling and tickling. Tickling is also a proto-sexual activity that is very much in a gray area between OK and unacceptable.
You and your daughter should make sure that your grandson knows that he has a right to be treated respectfully – and that you will always be in his corner. The 13-year-old should be told that his behavior in this instance was wrong and won’t be tolerated.
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