Dear Amy: During the past couple of years, I have lost both of my parents and a sibling. I have a close and loving family and many friends, but I am at a loss as to why some of them do not acknowledge the loss with a call, card or donation to a charity? Whenever one of my friends or relatives loses a loved one, I always try to attend the funeral (if possible), contribute to a charity in memory of the loved one and send a card to the family.
What should I expect from my family and friends during these difficult times?
– Grieving
Dear Grieving: I hope you’ll permit me to do what too few others in your life have done and extend my sympathy for your losses. People don’t intend to wound you or make your loss more difficult through their inaction. They’re just doing what people do best: nothing.
I’ve been guilty of this myself. The more challenging an issue, the more likely that people will be paralyzed when responding to it. You should assume that people do nothing because they don’t know what to do.
Friends and family shouldn’t feel that they need to contribute to a charity in memory of your loved one, but they absolutely should find a way to express their sympathy for your loss, either verbally or through a card or short note. You know how to do this, and your experiences have reinforced how important this is.
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Dear Amy: In a recent column, you responded to “A in Indiana,” who had been married for seven years and was ready to have children, but her husband was not. You recommended counseling.
This is exactly what my husband and I did (we, too, had been married for seven years when we started counseling).
My husband was the one who was dying to have a child, and I questioned whether I would ever want to have children. We went to counseling, and I wondered whether I was even capable of changing my mind, because I just did not see it happening. Counseling was one of the best experiences that my husband and I have had, although I must point out that we interviewed four counselors before we settled on one.
I was fascinated by the questions our counselor asked both of us because they gave me a different perspective on parenthood. I don’t know how it happened, but one day I changed my mind and decided that I was ready to give parenthood a try. I am due to have a baby soon, and I am excited about this new adventure.
I truly believe that counseling helped me through this difficult decision.
– A in Virginia
Dear A: I frequently recommend counseling, and letters such as yours (and my own experience) reinforce my belief that therapy can work well when people are motivated and when they’re matched with the right counselor (I include clergy in this category).
The purpose of counseling should not be to persuade a person to change her position (as you did). Counseling is ideal for people who want to explore their motivations and behavior, with the help of a professional who asks the right questions – as your therapist did.
Your experience also shows how important the right “fit” is with a counselor.
Congratulations on your new baby and on gaining the insight that made this choice possible.
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