Dear Amy: My son “Danny” just graduated from high school and has a girlfriend, “Betsy,” whom he has been seeing for more than a year. She is 16. Betsy is a nice enough young woman, but she is very shy around us.
My wife and I have made every effort to be pleasant to her when she arrives and leaves our home. However, we are extremely bothered by her failure to take the initiative of speaking to us first. She will be quiet as a church mouse unless we say something first. She will smile and speak cordially in response, but she will never speak to us first.
I have discussed this shortcoming with Danny to express my growing frustration. Danny insists that she was brought up to only speak when spoken to and that she is very bashful.
I told him that these are only excuses for not learning an important life skill.
I have begun to avoid acknowledging her, in hopes that she might get the message and find a way to become even a little outgoing.
Do you have any pearls of wisdom for me that might help us better deal with Betsy?
– Extremely Frustrated Dad
Dear Frustrated: You are a grown man. Why are you playing these reindeer games? “Betsy” is a shy 16-year-old. You say that she is cordial and pleasant when you speak to her. You can encourage her by saying, “Betsy, we love to see you – and we also love to hear you. I hope you won’t feel too shy to say ‘hi’ to us when you see us.” You shouldn’t resort to being rude as a way to teach a lesson (though your refusal to speak to Betsy might actually come as a relief to her). Encourage and engage her rather than punish her for being shy.
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Dear Amy: I’m a product of a “good divorce.” Your comment that parents who can manage a “good divorce” can manage to stay married is ridiculous.
The reason my parents are civil to each other is that they are no longer married. They live separate enough lives that when they do meet (at school functions or performances for my brother or me) they manage to be polite and genial. If they had remained married, their resentment toward each other would only have grown, causing much more lasting damage to my brother and me than the minor inconvenience of switching households ever has.
– Good Product in Florida
Dear Good: To clarify – I didn’t make the comment you assign to me, a reader did. This reader was trying to make a larger point that couples sometimes give up on their marriages too easily.
However, readers who have contacted me saying that they are the product of a “good divorce” also say that they are glad that their parents did divorce.
I sincerely believe that “good divorces” are possible and preferable to a bad marriage.
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