Dear Amy: When I had my first child, I was lucky to meet a new friend through a new-moms group at church, and we have been great friends for the past five years.
In the meantime, she has suffered from infertility and has been unable to conceive and carry another child. I, on the other hand, have had one other child since then, and I am now pregnant with my third baby.
I found out that I was pregnant only a couple of weeks before she was to undergo another round of in vitro fertilization. On the advice of friends who had been in the same situation, I decided to hold off telling her my news (which I know she will take hard) until after she had finished her embryo transfer. Her transfer has now been completed, and I hope she will be able to maintain this pregnancy.
I wonder when I should disclose my pregnancy. Should it be before or after she finds out her results? How do I tell her that I’m pregnant without feeling as if I’m “hiding” it?
– Fertile Friend
Dear Friend: I agree with your friends that you should wait to see what your friend’s status is on the transfer before disclosing your own pregnancy. I understand that you feel guilty about hiding your own news, but in my view you’re being sensitive to your friend’s situation.
Once you disclose your news (make sure she hears it from you instead of someone else), say, “I waited to tell you because I wanted you to concentrate on your own health and not have to think about me right now.”
. . .
Dear Amy: I have a friend who lives about an hour from me. I always have a great time whenever I’m with her, and I believe that she greatly enjoys my company too. We have shared many experiences together, even though we have only known each other for about two years.
I went to her reception (she recently married) and met all her other friends there. Or rather – I didn’t meet them. Not only did she not introduce me to her friends, she also spent no time with me. It seemed as if I was the only one she ignored. Should I confront her about this?
– Ignored and Offended
Dear Ignored: It can be very challenging to go stag to a wedding, especially if the only person you know there is the bride or groom. Of course your friend or someone else who knows you should have introduced you to her “other” friends. Her friends should have also made an effort to include you, but at a wedding, the burden is really on you to be outgoing, friendly and polite. It seems that in this context, you were the “other” friend.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
