In the 1987 movie “Spaceballs,” our hero Lone Starr is chased around the universe by a creditor, in this case a giant, burping mound of cheese and dough named Pizza the Hutt.
Pizza the Hutt, it turns out, is an unfriendly, unforgiving, unfortunately ugly enemy.
Similarly, Pizza Hut Park in Texas, the home of Major League Soccer’s FC Dallas, is an unfriendly, unforgiving, unfortunately named enemy of the Colorado Rapids.
The Rapids — who visit Pizza Hut Park for a 6:30 p.m. MDT game on Saturday — have struggled on the road against rival Dallas, to put it lightly.
An already suspect 14-22-6 all-time against the Hoops, Colorado is a frightening 4-15-4 when playing at Dallas in the regular season. That’s a .261 winning (losing) percentage in Big D.
The Rapids are winless in their past 10 regular-season games against Dallas, including 3-1 and 1-0 losses earlier this season. And, to make matters more daunting, the Rapids are winless in their past nine games overall, going 0-6-3 since May 19.
“Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button.”
Fortunately for the Rapids, this is the final meeting between the teams this regular season. And all is not lost. With 12 games remaining on their schedule, the Rapids are just six points behind the eighth and final MLS playoff spot.
If the Rapids are to turn things around, it could be on the shoulders of young goalkeeper Bouna Coundoul — the only Colorado player to play every minute of every game this season. That’s 1,620 minutes in 18 matches.
If they can’t turn things around, as Pizza the Hutt’s minion Vinnie said, “Pizza’s gonna send out for you!”
THE COUCH
ON: Pop quiz, Rockies fans: If you had to put a label right now on the Rockies pitching ace, who would it be? Tough to argue against Jeff Francis. His 11-5 record makes him the only Rox pitcher with at least 10 wins. And his 4.12 ERA is better than Aaron Cook’s, the other argument for ace status. Francis today will try to ace a test in Atlanta, as the Rox go against John Smoltz and the Braves. Smoltz (10-5) is the true meaning of ace. His 2.84 ERA is fourth-best in the National League. The game, airing on FSN, starts at 5:30 p.m. and is the first of a three-game stand in Atlanta.
OFF: A few cycling tours every year seem to grab the attention (see: Ride the Rockies). But there are other games in town, so to speak. For instance, Sunday begins the Colorado Rocky Mountain Bicycle Tour, seven days of mountain riding that begins and ends in Gunnison. The first leg is a 65-mile route from Gunnison to Montrose. That’s followed by a ride to Blue Mesa Reservoir, then through Carbondale, Aspen, Leadville, Frisco and Salida. The 478-mile route will cover nine mountain passes and reach an elevation of 12,000-plus feet. Check for more information.
AROUND TOWN
The Denver Outlaws — by far the most popular team in Major League Lacrosse — play their final home game of the season Saturday at Invesco Field against the division-leading Los Angeles Riptide at 1 p.m. The Outlaws, according to Denver Post lacrosse writer Theresa Smith, continue to lead the league in attendance by a wide margin. They are averaging 11,078 fans a game, compared to 11,634 last season. Boston ranks second in the league with an average of 8,450. The league average is 4,410, and four teams average fewer than 3,000. In other words, Saturday’s game — a crucial contest for the Outlaws, one in which they could clinch a playoff berth — should be a party.
WHAT WE’D LIKE TO SEE
The blockbuster of a deal this week that sent Kevin Garnett to Boston for who-knows-what back to Minnesota was cheered loudly in Beantown, where the Celtics have floundered for years. But the biggest cheers should have come from Denver. The more great players the Eastern Conference cherry-picks from the Northwest Division the better, as far as the Nuggets are concerned. Every game the Nugs avoid facing KG is one more chance for a division victory.
WEAK IN REVIEW
Here it is August and — surprise, surprise! — the Rockies are actually pennant contenders for a change. So why didn’t the team make a move before the trade deadline to strengthen its bullpen or starting pitching? Good question. The Rockies are last or second-to-last in the NL West in ERA, wins, innings pitched, strikeouts, home runs allowed and hits allowed. And each of the Rockies’ division rivals made trades in recent weeks to shore up their pennant chances.
