Dear Amy: A recent letter about a couple struggling with the husband’s choice to be a nudist (“naturist”) prompted me to write.
I dated a man for five years, became engaged, and less than a year from our planned wedding date, he informed me that he was becoming a nudist.
I explained to him that as a young girl, teen and young adult, I was subjected to repeated incidents of men exposing themselves, and a sexually abusive relationship in my young adulthood. I have successfully dealt with the issues with therapy but still don’t want to live with a nudist.
He says he is not a “pervert” like the people responsible for the incidents I described to him. And I realize that, but I would never have entered nor stayed in a relationship for five years and gotten engaged if I knew I was connected with a nudist.
I have attempted to offer a compromise about where we will live. He is retired, and I work in the city where I live. We currently live 60 miles apart. He says that he won’t move any closer to me.
Since he retired, he has planned a number of volunteer work vacations that eliminate the weekends that we used to spend together.
What do you think is going on?
– Baffled
Dear Baffled: He doesn’t want to get married to you. If he did, then he’d be interested in making compromises for your mutual benefit, rather than throwing roadblocks in the way.
People who really want to marry run toward – rather than away – from the experience. Your fiancé is running in the wrong direction. I suggest that you let him.
…
Dear Amy: My wife and I have a 2-year-old son who is my world. I am a big Yankees fan and can’t wait to take my son to games.
My in-laws are way too smothering and involved with my son. I know their intentions are good, but my father-in-law micro-manages every single decision that has to do with him.
I feel as if I am being undermined as a father. I also feel as if I have to rush to do specific things with him or my in-laws will accomplish these “firsts” in my absence (I work nights).
My wife is not a confrontational person, so she does nothing to address these issues. I have no problem expressing my feelings to my father-in-law, but I don’t want to cause bad feelings.
The final straw was when my son came home from their house chanting, “Let’s Go, Mets!” Although this sounds funny, I took it as a direct insult. They know that it would really bother me.
– Not Just a Sperm Donor
Dear Donor: You can raise this issue respectfully without creating a confrontation, and if your father-in-law chooses to think that he’s being insulted and challenged, too bad.
Say to him, “Pop, I need for you to give me more space with my son. There will always be a big place for you in his life, but I’m his dad and I need to make decisions for him. You may not like that or agree with it, but that’s just the way it’s going to be.” Your in-laws should not be doing things with your son without your say-so; you’re going to have to be assertive about this – to them and to your wife.
Do not rise to the bait with your in-laws on the “Let’s Go, Mets” incident, and respond with good humor. You’ve got to admit, it is sort of funny.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
