Dear Amy: My daughter is getting married and does not want to invite her mentally ill cousin to the wedding.
“Stevie,” who is 43, misbehaved at my other daughter’s wedding. He was loud with inappropriate talking, lay down on the steps so invitees had to walk around him and helped himself to too much food on the buffet so that it ran out early.
The problem is that my sister will be offended if Stevie is not invited. I don’t know if she would ever get over the perceived insult.
She was not aware of the previous wedding behaviors, and she will think that we are overreacting to minor transgressions if we bring them up now.
How can I tell her in a way that won’t hurt her feelings?
– Mother of the Bride
Dear Mother: I can’t offer you a way to avoid hurting your sister’s feelings when you are about to do something hurtful.
I hope that you will consider steps that you might take to invite your nephew but also make sure that he has the support he may need to get through this event successfully. It sounds as if he was completely on his own at the last wedding, and that’s not really fair to him.
You should be honest with your sister; tell her what happened last time; say that you aren’t sure what to do, and ask her what she thinks would be the best course. If “Stevie” is invited, then his parents should make sure that a friend or family member is available during the event to assist him.
I realize that weddings are emotionally loaded events that also are quite expensive. But weddings also are about family. Most families contain at least one member who is ill, different, embarrassing or hard to control. There are times to embrace, rather than erase, these unusual or challenging people, and the celebration of a marriage might be one of those times.
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