Dear Amy: I am a mom in my mid-30s, happily married for 15 years with two wonderful kids.
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and have started taking a medication that has changed my life. I feel great for the first time in 20 years.
The problem is that with my past erratic behavior, I know that I have offended or alienated myself from others.
I’ve thought about apologizing to some of them for the way I’ve acted, but I don’t wish to reveal my diagnosis.
What is the best way to make amends in this situation?
— Indiana Soccer Mom
Dear Soccer Mom: Your medical condition is your own business, and your desire to keep your diagnosis private is certainly valid, but you have a stellar opportunity to help erase the stigma of mental illness by saying to your friends and family what you have said in your letter — that you have been ill, that you are being treated and that you feel much better now.
I highly recommend that you read “An Unquiet Mind,” by Kay Redfield Jamison (1997, Vintage Books). Jamison offers a unique and useful perspective — she is a psychiatrist specializing in mood disorders who also has bipolar disorder. As she describes, bipolar disorder is a biologically based illness. Her experience with the disease is fascinating, and her insight is invaluable to anyone seeking to learn more about this illness.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than 5 million Americans have bipolar disorder. The illness, which affects not only your own health and well-being but also your relationships with friends and family, can respond well to treatment.
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Dear Amy: I have a son-in-law who is in his mid-40s and will use “sick” humor, usually pointed at my daughter. Around our family it is not a problem, because we all know him.
The other night, my wife and I, along with my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter, were invited to dinner with friends of ours. My son-in-law barely knows these folks and used some of his “humor” during dinner. Again, it was directed at my daughter.
My wife and I were quite embarrassed. We didn’t realize that he would do this around people he barely knows. We didn’t know how our friends would take the “humor.” Not wanting to say anything to embarrass anyone at the table, we bit our tongues.
My wife and I discussed the incident later and decided to not include my daughter and her husband in this sort of gathering, in case this sort of thing would happen again.
My granddaughter will be 2 this month, and I’m afraid that she will start to pick up some of this bad language.
How can I approach my daughter or son-in-law without causing friction?
— Frustrated Dad
Dear Dad: I don’t want to tell you how to be a father, except to say that if someone made “sick” or inappropriate comments disguised as “humor” directed at my daughter and in front of a grandchild and other family and friends, he’d be taken to the woodshed (metaphorically speaking). This is unacceptable, but you all been tolerating it because you know him? That’s the worst reason in the world to put up with this.
Are you too afraid of this person to make a simple statement along the lines of, “I’d like for you to stop making these jokes and comments.”
You should ask your daughter if her husband is abusive in other ways. Tell her that every time he does this, it is hurtful to the whole family. Encourage her to insist that this stop, and tell her that you are going to speak to your son-in-law and let him know how much this bothers you and your wife.
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