Dear Amy: This week I read that a former acquaintance of many years ago was the victim of a home invasion and shot the intruder. Today, however, I learned that, in a confrontation with a feuding neighbor, he had shot and killed the neighbor’s friend, who had stepped between them. This man will face murder charges. He is also being treated for a mild heart attack.
We weren’t friends but enjoyed socializing if meeting at the grocery store or the library. He didn’t strike me as prone to violence.
With no information to support this, I’m concerned that he’ll be alone throughout this. He has an adult daughter somewhere. He was divorced a long time ago, and his mother is deceased.
Initially my wife and I wanted to express our compassion for him through a note or phone call, and now we’re unsure what to do. I’m afraid that connecting might open the door to an obligation to help to an extent that we are unprepared to follow through. I’m working two jobs, and my wife and I have been coping with severe legal, financial and emotional distress. We have two teenagers.
Should we express our concern for him through a card or phone call (he’ll be incarcerated)? – Concerned
Dear Concerned: You say that you don’t know much about this person.
However, based on nothing more than the fact that he never aimed a gun at you, he doesn’t strike you as being prone to violence. You really are not in a position to know.
It is compassionate of you to want to reach out, even though, based on what you’ve said, he seems to have killed an innocent person. If you choose to contact him, don’t overthink things. Keep it simple.
To be compassionate is to assume the very small risk that the object of your compassion might want more from you than you’re able to give. However, as long as it isn’t worded as an open-ended offer of help, you should assume that your expression would most likely be received in the spirit with which it is offered.
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Dear Amy: I am responding to a letter in your column from “Soon to Be Step,” who wondered if her soon-to-be stepdaughter should call her “Mom” or “Mommy.” When I became a stepmom 10 years ago, I was blessed with two stepchildren, ages 12 and 5. Their mother lived in the same town, and they moved between our homes on a regular basis. The older child chose to call me by my first name. It was hard to create a parental relationship. I wouldn’t recommend it.
My stepdaughter came up with the term “S’mom.” It’s easy to say, doesn’t take away from her mother, represents our relationship and is special.
My stepdaughter lives with us full time now and is a beautiful, confident teen. She refers to me as S’mom to her friends, teachers, coaches, etc. I now have three children and am known as Kathy, S’mom and Mom.
Each name represents a different relationship and none is more special than the other.
– Grateful Stepmother
Dear Grateful: Though I disagree with the notion that children can’t call adults by their first names with respect, I’ve heard from several “S’moms” responding to this letter. It sounds like a great solution to the question of how children could address a stepparent.
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