Dear Abby: I am the single mother of a wonderful 13- year-old son. His father and I were divorced when he was 1. Aside from some help and love from my parents when he was young, I have raised my son practically by myself. Nana and Dad looked after “Todd” while I was at work, so they had a lot of time together when he was young.
I have taught Todd to be honest and thoughtful, to have empathy, to care about others and respect their feelings. I tell him to think before he speaks so he won’t hurt or offend other people. I ask him most of all to respect himself, to set goals and try his best at whatever he does. Friends and neighbors say I’m raising a terrific young man.
The problem is my dad. When my siblings and I were young, Dad was verbally abusive. When he greets Todd he says, “Hey, you little jerk,” or, “Hey, you fink!” I have asked Dad several times not call Todd such names, to the point of tears. It reminds me of being called “good-for- nothing,” “worthless,” etc., when I was a kid.
Dad is 72 and not in the greatest health, and I don’t want to distance my son from him. The love between them is enormous. But each time Dad calls Todd one of those names, it opens the wounds of my childhood.
How can I keep Dad from calling my son these names?
– Got no Respect
Dear Got no Respect: May I be frank? The chances of you persuading your father to change at his age are virtually nil. Because your son was raised by a loving and emotionally nurturing mother, his sense of self-esteem is far stronger than yours was at his age. He knows he is not a “little jerk” or a “fink.” He regards those names as terms of endearment, which is probably how your father means for them to be taken.
Some sessions with a licensed psychotherapist could help you to put your childhood into perspective.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
