Dear Amy:I am a 54-year-old woman engaged to a wonderful 51-year-old man. We enjoy many rich and satisfying activities together, including sex. We have both been married before and have been together for three years. He still keeps nude photos of his old girlfriends in his computer (and he had many of them). He previously told me that he likes to keep nude photos of all his exes. While I knew about them in theory, I never saw them until I accidentally stumbled on them today, and I am very shaken by it. He claims that they are harmless and adamantly refuses to delete them. He claims that they are safe from prying eyes. I might add that he has some nude photos of me on his computer as well, taken before I knew that they might be available for others to stumble upon (such as my teenage son who visits his house sometimes). Is this a deal breaker? I am confused and unhappy. – Frustrated Fiancée
Dear Fiancée: Having personal material stored on a personal and private computer in your own home is akin to stashing material in a private drawer. If you don’t want your son to “stumble” onto these photos as you did, then make sure the computer is password-protected so that this private drawer has a virtual lock on it.
I suspect that this isn’t only a reaction to nudity, but to exes.
When you discuss this with your fiancé, talk about how that makes you feel, without necessarily judging him.
Ask him to imagine how he would feel if you did as he is doing (he might be fine with it). He says that these photos are harmless, but he’s wrong – they are hurting your feelings and he should be sensitive to that.
You should do everything possible to find out whether your fiancé has shared these photos with anyone else without your consent. I assume that you don’t want your own nude photos floating around in the ether. That should definitely be a “deal breaker.”
Dear Amy: This past Friday was my birthday. I was amazed at how many people – even my best friends – forgot what day it was. I’m not the type of person to advertise when my birthday is with hope that I will be showered with well wishes on my special day or overwhelmed with presents. But recognition would be nice.
I tried to drop subtle hints during the week, such as “Hey, my birthday is this Friday; want to do something?” Over the past year, I have made and sent beautiful cards to friends on their birthdays. I was expecting at least something considerate in return.
Should I just shrug it off and not view my birthday as a big deal? – Forgotten
Dear Forgotten: “Hey it’s my birthday on Friday …” doesn’t qualify as a “subtle hint.” I can understand why you felt bad when that particular trumpet call was ignored, but people have extremely varied reactions to birthdays. Most of us seem to be pretty bad at celebrating other people, unfortunately, though this is something at which you seem to excel.
Because you enjoy celebrating on your birthday, make sure to plan something special that you know you’ll enjoy with or without others – perhaps splurging on an experience you’ve been waiting to have such as a museum or spa trip. Don’t diminish your expectations, but alter them to focus on how you can enjoy this special day without relying on others.
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