Dear Amy: Over the holidays, I caught my boyfriend of seven months in something of a “little white lie.” “Steven” is 45, divorced for three years, with two kids. The holidays are a stressful time for him because of issues having to do with his kids’ visitation.
We spent Christmas with our respective families, and when we got together on the 26th, I noticed some telltale signs that he had entertained a guest at his apartment while I was gone. Two wine glasses were in the kitchen and a bottle of merlot I’d left in the pantry was gone.
Later, when I went into the TV room, I moved a couple of couch pillows and found tiny bits of wrapping paper that I’m sure weren’t from his house (I’d wrapped his gifts for him).
It was apparent to me that a visitor had come by and given him a gift on the 25th, and that he and the guest had consumed the bottle of wine I’d left.
I casually asked if he’d heard from any old friends over the holidays, and he said no.
I realize a 45-year-old man deserves some privacy, but I’m still wondering why he didn’t tell me he’d had a guest.
— Wondering in Milwaukee
Dear Wondering: Let me write the script for you. You: Steven, did you have a guest over on Christmas Day? I couldn’t help but notice that there were a couple of wine glasses out and the merlot is gone.
Steven: Oh — my sister Laurel came over. She knew I was bummed out so she popped in.
My basic point is this: If you are in a relationship of many months’ duration — certainly if you are intimate enough that you would do your guy’s gift-wrapping for him, then you should feel comfortable asking some basic questions, such as, “Are you seeing anybody else?”
Dear Amy : A good friend of mine, “Julie,” and her husband have three young children.
About eight months ago, she found out her husband was having an affair. She was devastated. She lashed out at the “other woman,” horrified that she could have an affair with a married man with children. Julie and her husband are now divorcing and fighting a bitter custody battle.
A couple of months ago she ran into a man she briefly dated in college. About a month ago, on a second trip home, they began an affair.
This man is married with two kids. She says this is the love of her life and that they will be together forever. He tells her that he loves her, says his wife doesn’t understand him and that he is leaving her. Then he says he can’t leave yet because of his daughter’s birthday and then the holidays, etc.
Even though she is now the “other woman,” she says it’s not the same thing because they are really in love. I’m having a hard time accepting this relationship and being happy for her.
She talks about him all the time, and I’m finding it harder and harder to listen. When I explain my reservations, she gets angry and says that if I were really her friend, I would just be happy for her.
How do I be supportive and accept this when I just feel that this is wrong? I feel she is very vulnerable right now and is being taken advantage of. — Worried Friend
Dear Worried: You seem to think that being a good friend means that you must support and accept whatever choices your friend makes. True friends tell each other the truth, even when the truth is oh-so unromantic.
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