Dear Margo: I am writing to you in hopes of gaining some wisdom to share with my younger brother, who just enlisted in the Navy Reserve. It began five years ago with my wedding. The wedding date my husband and I chose happened to coincide with that of a dear friend of my older (and only) sister. The long and short of it is that my sister decided to be in her friend’s wedding instead of mine. Since then, I have made peace with her decision, basically living with the realization that she will have to live with that decision for the rest of her life (we are all in our late 20s and early 30s). Now my brother is extremely angry with my sister because, once again, she chose to be with friends instead of family.
We had a big family dinner as a send-off for my brother before he entered boot camp. She had known about this dinner for quite some time and then decided to visit her friends in another state. My brother is deeply hurt by her not being there. How can I show him that, by holding on to the anger, he is letting her get the best of him? She has always been this way toward family, which is why I think I was able to let it go and move on. Any advice as to how I can help my brother do the same? — Middle Kid
Dear Mid: It is obvious something has inclined your sister to put her friends before family. If there is a reason for this, you did not let me in on it.
Assuming there have been no serious family rifts involving her, she is just one of those people who puts herself and her pleasures first. As for helping your kid brother, the best you can hope to accomplish is to convey to him that anger, like acid, eats at the vessel. Tell him not to make himself an angry wreck because of a selfish sibling. There is something wrong with her — not him. He needs the gift of acceptance: This is the way his sister is, and that’s that. As I said, unless there are old schisms in the family, to skip a sister’s wedding and a brother’s farewell dinner before boot camp would be enough for me to write her off. Expect nothing, and offer nothing. — Margo, impartially
Some Things Are the Same the World Over
Dear Margo: I have been married for five years and have two kids. I always wondered why men do not keep to their word. During courtship, they are wonderful, but once married, they change. I can’t understand this at all. — Yemi in Lagos
Dear Yem: I invite anyone who ever doubted that human nature is pretty much the same the world over to notice that you are from Nigeria. I cannot agree with you that ”men,” as an entity, do not keep their word. Alas, some men do not, but of course, many do. Your point about courtship, however, I find to be generally valid. It is a truism that people are on their best behavior when trying to make the sale, as it were. That is why I advise people who have serious problems while they are engaged (or thinking about becoming engaged) that things hardly ever get better. They get worse. In your case, it would be worth a try to tell your husband that, during your courtship, you so appreciated it when he kept his word and you would so very much like him to return to that pattern of behavior. — Margo, wistfully
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
