Dear Margo: I have been married to a wonderful woman for many years. Our marriage is the best I know, except in one area: We are, and have always been, sexually incompatible. She does not like sex, and I have many fantasies that remain bottled up. This is a great source of stress, lack of sleep and occasional anger for me. I have tried many times to convince her to go to therapy together, but she refuses, saying we do not have a problem. And from her perspective, she is right, because we have the sex life she has always wanted: infrequent and within the framework of what the Vatican would approve.
I, however, feel I am reaching a breaking point. Leaving her, visiting a prostitute or otherwise cheating on her are not options. So I have narrowed my choices down to two very imperfect alternatives: going to therapy on my own — but I am concerned about the expense for something I’m not sure would help if she is not involved; or investigating some sort of drug that would reduce my sex drive, if such drugs actually exist. Do you have any advice? — Burdened
Dear Burd: What a sad situation to be in. The hopeful part is that you say she is a wonderful woman and your marriage is the best, except for the one major missing ingredient. Not to be indelicate, but I am guessing masturbation has not proven satisfactory. Since you have eliminated the options that might ameliorate the problem, I do think counseling would help you, even alone. As for a drug along the lines of what we, as teenagers, called saltpeter (which may have been a joke), why not make an appointment with a urologist specializing in male sexuality and raise that question? On a philosophical level, I would share with you the Zen saying: There may be no solution; seek it lovingly. — Margo, supportively
Hey, Lady, Give Your Kids a Break
Dear Margo: I have a good friend who’s been unhappily married for quite some time. As a result, she sleeps in her sons’ room, in bed with her 10-year-old, while her 16-year-old sleeps on the top bunk. Her 16-year-old also happens to be dating my daughter. My concern is my daughter’s friend. The mother demands he sit and spend time with her, and has gone as far as punishing him for falling asleep and being inattentive to her. He cannot make plans to see my daughter unless his mom doesn’t have him doing something with her, and she has him guilted into thinking he needs to be available for her. If the kids are on the phone, she constantly interrupts him. The icing on the cake was making him come home the other night because he had to watch a movie with her. Is this normal? — Weirded Out
Dear Weird: Of course this is not normal. The mother is trying to compensate for her unhappy marriage by substituting her sons. Given that you say this woman is a friend, you might try (though I guarantee no good results) telling her she is damaging her sons with her dependence on them. She does not belong in bed with a 10-year-old, and the 16-year-old should not be at her beck and call. You might suggest she consider separating from her husband (so she could get her bedroom back), and if that does not seem possible for her, then she must at least let her kids have their own lives. Should she give you the cold shoulder or tell you to MYOB, you would be doing your daughter’s boyfriend a great favor by telling him he should begin telling his mother “no,” and by suggesting they both talk to a therapist. — Margo, remedially
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
