Dear Amy: Our daughter is married to a wonderful guy. We now have two grandchildren who are the most important children in our lives.
The problem is that we get to see the kids only once a week, if we are lucky. I totally understand that when both parents work full time, they come home and just want to spend time with their kids, but it seems that our son-in-law’s family — especially a certain aunt and uncle — see the kids more then we do.
A month ago at a party, the aunt and uncle pretty much hogged the children and wouldn’t let us have them. They are a very dominant family. The youngest child, who is almost 2, doesn’t want to come to us; she immediately goes to someone from the other side of the family.
When we try to go to her, she hides behind the aunt or her other grandparents. The oldest child is 4 and seems very attached to the other family. When we have the kids at our house, we have a great time. When I picked up the baby to kiss her and tell her that I loved her, all she said was, “I want Uncle Jim.” This really hurt. When I went to put her back down, the aunt put her hand out and took her from me. I sometimes feel that the aunt thinks these are her grandchildren.
We want our children to know that we are their grandparents and that the aunt and uncle are only “Aunt and Uncle.” — Hurting in Texas
Dear Hurting: I wasn’t aware that aunts and uncles somehow had lesser status as family members than grandparents. Thanks for clearing that up. Your grandchildren are very young. You need to act your age and stop expecting so much from them. Two-year-olds are notoriously fickle and shy.
Don’t put pressure on these children to choose you in a crowded room. They will react to the stress and give you a wide berth.
And don’t take these preferences personally — you have a ton to offer these children.
Ask your daughter to set up a schedule in which you can take the kids on outings or host them in your home (once a week is plenty for a busy family). Concentrate on building your own unique relationships with them.
Dear Amy: This summer I met a guy (“Brad”) at work. He hardly talks. This summer I found myself being very attracted to Brad, but because we go to different schools and work is strictly in the summer, I rarely see him. When I do see him, I find myself getting intimidated by his quietness, and I have snubbed him a few times.
I am a very social person, and I find it difficult to socialize with people who are so quiet. When I have spoken to Brad outside of work, he seems to be happy to talk. My problem is just getting the confidence to talk to this guy. I feel terrible snubbing him and don’t want him to think that I’m a rude person, because I am not. — Intimidated Snubber
Dear Snubber: I’ve never understood why people who are intimidated react to their feelings by snubbing someone, but I am aware that sometimes the more you like someone, the greater the impulse to run from the room. For insight into this, read Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice.” People who are quiet generally do best one on one. “Brad” has already demonstrated this by being talkative outside of work.
Perhaps you could start a conversation by contacting Brad online. You could send him a link to the latest singing cat on YouTube and see if he responds. Be brave — he could be your “Mr. Darcy.”
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