Dear Amy: I am a 69-year-old woman. The love of my life died two years ago after a short illness.
A year ago I started a relationship with a married man whom my love had known from childhood. The relationship started out with friendly e-mailing and escalated to flirting and agreeing to meet at his cabin.
I live several hundred miles away.
He told me from the outset that he was joined at the hip to his wife, but he kept making plans for me to fly out and spend time with him. I ignored all the red flags and warning bells, and I flew to meet him last month. The sex was so-so. He had performance problems, and his guilt and anxiety were so intense that I thought he was going to become ill.
He admitted that he has had numerous affairs during his 46 years of marriage.
My question is, “Why me?” Why have me fly across the country knowing that he would probably start having horrible guilt feelings as soon as we had sex? Against my better judgment, I stayed for several days, but he wanted me to leave a day early, so he drove me to a hotel near the airport. Despite my pleading with him not to leave me, he quickly dressed and left.
I am working overtime at getting over this. I feel so hurt and angry with both of us.
What is your perspective? — Wondering
Dear Wondering: This man’s motives are completely transparent. He wants what he wants and he found someone to give him an ounce of hope that he would get it. Things didn’t work out. His performance problems don’t have anything to do with you. People lie about sex. He lied to you.
You are also lying to you.
I’m going to assume that you haven’t processed your grief over your loss. Because of that, you allowed yourself to passively engage in a destructive relationship.
He didn’t “have you fly across the country.” You got on the plane, so you need to take responsibility for the mess you freely chose to get yourself into.
The next time you see red flags and hear warning bells, I suggest that you look, listen, pay attention to your “better judgment” and make better choices.
Dear Amy: I disagree with your advice on the fashion battles with teens. Inappropriate clothing that either puts the health of the child at risk or is too suggestive should be discussed, and changes in the wardrobe must be made.
Too many parents abandon their right and responsibility to direct their children on how to dress, when to watch television, when to study and so on. Too many parents are unwilling to make tough decisions.
Be a parent — not a friend — to your children their entire lives. Make them turn off the TV, study, get the proper amount of rest, eat properly, make good friends, etc. If you do so, your child will become a better child and a better adult. — Concerned Parent
Dear Concerned: The discussion you are responding to concerns the limited ability that parents have to force their teens to wear hats and coats in the winter. My suggestion is that parents stick to battles they have at least a shot at winning. Kids learn from their parents, but they also learn from their own choices. If they’re cold enough, they’ll put on a coat.
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