There was Silda Wall Spitzer on Monday afternoon, in her pearls and conservative business suit, her eyes lowered and her face set in stoic pain as she stood by her man. Well, actually, just behind his right shoulder.
Her man — New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer — was apologizing over an investigation linking him to pricey call girls. And Silda was suddenly the latest in a parade of political wives to suffer through their “stand by” moment, sharing the glaring spotlight of soap-opera shame trained on their husbands.
Kennedy, Hart, Clinton, Romer, McGreevey, Vitter, Kilpatrick, Craig.
The list crosses generations, geography and political parties. It spills into every very public arena. Think religion and the loyal spouses of Jimmy Swaggart and Ted Haggard. Or sports and the glittering new diamond ring Kobe Bryant’s wife sported as she sat holding his hand while he explained that his tryst with a hotel worker had been consensual, not rape.
Denver public-relations consultant Katy Atkinson said she still remembers feeling sympathy for Bea Romer when, in 1998, the Colorado first lady stood by, with a seemingly puzzled look on her face, as then-Gov. Roy Romer admitted to a long affair.
It’s the moment made famous by Tammy Wynette’s ode to forgiving an errant mate. It’s the moment that has always been designed to say, “My family is upholding me in my hour of self-destruction.”
But it may be wearing thin in the public’s estimation.
“It’s the dawning of a new era. It’s the trappings of old school to stand by your man,” said Cathy Allen, communications chairwoman for the American Association for Political Consultants.
“She should not stand up there for that moment,” Allen said. “Why do both of them have to pay for his infidelity? It’s more of a public spectacle than anything.”
Allen said she will no longer recommend to politicians that they bring their wives to the podium for such a display. She said she thinks it now can spark a backlash of ill will toward the politician for urging — or allowing — his spouse a slice of the embarrassment.
And who knows what the spouse is thinking — or what the public speculates about her motivations? Not to mention bloggers.
She could have been propped up there, numb with rage or grief, by political handlers.
She could be mentally totaling up the zeros that will be added to the divorce settlement as a result of the debacle. Or she could be contemplating all the reasons she will fight for her marriage.
If it’s the latter, when the cameras stop clicking and the couple walk hand-in-hand back into their private lives, they will hit “the really tall hill to climb,” said Lakewood counselor Chuck Fallon, whose specialty is “divorce busting.”
“Sometimes I wonder if it was all just a photo op, but I always hope it means they are going to work on their relationship,” Fallon said.
Family bonds are formidable between political couples. Political careers are like family businesses. Husbands and wives campaign together — and that can build strong marriages and tightknit families.
“We all do it for personal reasons,” former New Jersey first lady Dina Matos McGreevey told CNN on Monday night as she reflected on her own “stand by” moment in 2004. “I did it because he was my husband. I had always supported him. I loved him.
“I had a daughter. . . . I wanted her to know I was there for her father.”
Some still stress the continuing importance of the “stand by” moment for political reasons. They were out in force Tuesday as pundits called every minute of the scandals as if it were part of a football game.
“If you don’t have a spouse with you, the signal sent is one of abject debauchery and guilt,” Eric Dezenhall, a crisis-management specialist, told The Washington Post. “When the wife or family is with you, that suggests, well, somebody close to this person loves them and thinks they’re worthwhile.”
Atkinson said as awful as it is to watch the women go through the public humiliation, she will recommend to clients that the wife be by their side if possible.
“If they are not standing there,” she said, “then there is no forgiveness in that picture.”
Atkinson and Allen pointed out that the image of the “stand by” women doesn’t have to be of damsels in distress — because often they are not.
Their husbands’ lives — and, by extension, theirs — may be in humiliating disarray. But these are usually strong, accomplished women in their own right. Each is invested in her husband’s career. Each makes the choice to stand by.
Silda Spitzer, with her Harvard law degree, is a case in point. Hillary Rodham Clinton is another.
“When I looked at Hillary standing by Bill,” Atkinson said, “it was kind of like ‘She can take care of herself. She doesn’t need our sympathy.’ ”
Nancy Lofholm: 970-256-1957 or nlofholm@denverpost.com
