Dear Amy: I just found out that my wife has been seeing someone behind my back.
This is not the first time this has happened. She started this relationship less than a year ago. She promised she would stop and never talk to this person again. She even quit her job, but she started working there again, and that was when she started seeing him again. They met up at a bar, and I know she wound up kissing him. I do not know if anything else has happened.
We have had our problems, but I never thought she would cheat.
I am the type of man who gives his all and just wants some respect and appreciation back. I cook, clean, provide for her and do many romantic things, but I feel as if I have failed. She said it was because I was too controlling. I didn’t want her spending frivolously on things that we didn’t need.
I still love her and want to be able to trust her, but I don’t know if that is possible. She betrayed me twice in less than a year. I have started divorce proceedings.
I just don’t know if it is possible to rebuild this marriage. Should I even try? — Crushed
Dear Crushed: It is possible to rebuild your marriage. You and your wife need to examine your motivations and actions, figure out how to do things differently and then do things differently.
Maybe you are too controlling. That’s something you can work on. But your wife has a habit of retaliating by cheating and then blaming you. Not only is this unfair and inappropriate, it makes your problems spiral.
Get yourself into counseling before you move forward with a divorce. Even if your wife won’t go with you, you will have the opportunity to discuss your feelings of betrayal and failure. You can’t change and grow until you understand what has happened and why.
Dear Amy: A few years back I behaved terribly when I found out that my ex was dating again. I don’t want to go into detail about all the horrible things I did to my ex’s boyfriend, but he wasn’t to blame.
This treatment toward him continued for about a year. He took me to court. Since then I have gone to counseling to deal with what I did. Now, a couple of years later, I believe I should apologize to him. I just want him to know that I’m grateful that during that time he at least had his head on straight.
I have not seen him since our day in court.Also, my ex and I share a child, and if they are still together and plan to stay together, I want him to know that I would never do anything to try to come between them again.
Should I send him an apology? — Regretful
Dear Regretful: Depending on the circumstances, there can be a fine line between apologizing and violating a court order. It would be wise not to cross it.
If you choose to go ahead with this, it should be under the direction of your lawyer.
It sounds as if you don’t have any contact with the child you say you share with your ex. If that is the case, then your relationship with your child is the one you should focus on repairing.
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