Dear Amy: I have been married for more than 20 years.
It hasn’t exactly been a bed of roses. I have come to understand that marriage is work.
Now that we are retired, things are more difficult. My spouse has always been critical, but time spent at work seemed to diminish the frequency of his criticism. Now, however, his critical nature is really evident. I don’t vacuum well enough or I fail to rinse the dishes — it’s always something. The real hurt comes when my bedroom performance is criticized. That sure can dampen your desire.
My spouse believes that counseling is simply paying someone to talk with you and that it is “worthless.”
When I confront him with this issue, he says I’m too sensitive. Do you have any insight? — Retired and Tired
Dear Tired: You do sound tired. Perhaps your fatigue has made you more or less give up on trying to get your husband to stop making his hurtful and abusive comments.
You would benefit from being busy outside the home. Perhaps you can find a part-time job or volunteer work you find fulfilling. Being occupied will not make this problem go away, but it might make you feel better. You should spend time with people who value you.
Your husband would also benefit from developing outside work, interests or hobbies. He should also take over some of the household chores he thinks you don’t do well. The next time he criticizes your vacuuming, for instance, you could say, “Gosh Harry, you know what, you’re right. I think you should do this properly. Thanks, honey.”
No matter what your husband thinks of counseling, you would benefit from it.
Dear Amy: Periodically you have asked readers to write about what marriage really means. I feel uniquely qualified to respond to this question.
My ex-husband and I met, fell in love and decided to be together and marry using the same process most couples do — without too much thought or analysis.
My partner Nancy and I met, fell in love and decided to be together in a similar way — though with more thought, perhaps because we’re older, or maybe because we are women.
The “brass ring” of marriage continues to elude us. Perhaps when you are denied something you think more about it. I know that I want to marry my partner, and I know why: She is more important to me than anyone else except my grown daughter. She helps give my life meaning and purpose, and she assists in my being a better person.
I want to grow old with her and walk hand in hand at the end of my life.
Marriage is two things: It is a private commitment that the relationship is for life. It is also a public declaration of that commitment and a public acknowledgment that the couple has joined the larger web of community connections and sanctions.
I took my ability to marry for granted when my ex-husband and I married. I don’t take it for granted now. — Suzanne in New Jersey
Dear Suzanne: Thank you for this eloquent explanation of what marriage means.
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