Dear Margo: I grew up in a minister’s family (the oldest girl of four children), but it was a dysfunctional one — something I’ve never been able to reconcile. From a young age until I was in high school, I was regularly whipped with a belt as punishment, and as this was being done, my mother would laugh. In gym one year (I was a sophomore at the time), when my teacher and peers noticed the bruises and welts up and down my body, I said I fell off a horse. I know that in today’s world this abuse could result in criminal charges. As an adult, I have tried over the years to have a positive relationship with my mother — especially in the last few years, because she has cancer — but it is impossible.
Her behavior includes violent rages, destruction of property and obsessive-compulsiveness. She has attacked me and accused me of theft. I have never been able to understand how a minister’s wife could behave this way. I will probably never see my mother again (she told me never to come back to her house). I am aware that I am grieving. Her actions have been in many ways like a death. I am having bad dreams about my mother and have become depressed. My mother’s father died in a mental institution when she was 7 years old. I don’t talk about my mother to anyone (it is so complicated). What can I do to heal? PS: “PK” is a well-known acronym for the offspring of a minister, and most of us PKs carry this “distinction” through our adult life. — Abused Preacher’s Kid
Dear Ab: Well, you need to talk to someone, and I suggest a good cognitive psychologist. You need professional guidance to help you make peace with your past.
Your mother is mentally ill. I suspect that being married to your father may have helped things deteriorate. Also, her family history is most likely part of the problem. There is no immunity from anything because one is a minister; neurosis or psychosis is no respecter of profession. I am always in favor of cutting ties to people who are abusive or destructive. This whole unhappy mess is not your fault. It was just your lot in life. You do not have to go through your days burdened with this unhappy history. Good luck — and know that you are not alone. — Margo, optimistically
Practice makes perfect — and talking can help things along
Dear Margo: A lot of letters I’ve seen in your column regarding men’s lack of sexual desire made me want to write to you. I am a man, 31, and happily married. I got married at 28 and was a virgin. For the first two years of marriage, I would classify myself as a guy who didn’t seem that interested in sex. We are talking once every two months. After some great talks with my wife and heavy introspection, I discovered I had to unlearn the following: the “sex is wrong” creed I was raised with; the belief that “sex must be the ultimate expression of love” that made me think sex meant two hours of lovemaking; and Hollywood notions of the perfect female body. I realized I had internalized some frustrations with my wife (marriage roles, in-laws, finances, etc.) so that, while I loved her, she’d become subconsciously unattractive to me. This had a major impact on my libido. My wife and I have a wonderful sex life now. So, for any man who feels he’s had a loss of sexual desire, there may be psychological reasons. — Happy I Persevered
Dear Hap: Thank you for this. I always listen to the voice of experience. — Margo, appreciatively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
