For most U.S. citizens, the pain of filing today’s tax returns will be mitigated by June 30, when the last of the government’s economic stimulus payments hit the mail.
The 2008 economic stimulus rebates — you can calculate what, if anything, you’re entitled to at ; you’ll need your completed federal tax form — are meant to goose the flagging national economy by prompting recipients to spend this windfall. In other words, government officials hope you’ll promptly cash that check and head for the mall, instead of doing something dull and fiscally responsible.
So don’t succumb to sedition by responsibly investing that tax-free largess of $300 to $600. Prove your patriotism by buying yourself a few pairs of La Perla undies or a line of Bvlgari Black Pour Homme personal care products!
PATRIOT
1. 22-inch chrome 704 spinner rims for your car’s wheels ($550) — As long as your wheels are stylin’, who cares about health insurance or retirement savings?
2. Ticket to Cher’s performance in Las Vegas, orchestra, row A: $586 — Remember Cher’s “Farewell” tour? It “began during the Jimmy Carter administration and is now expected to continue until the sun goes out,” humorist Dave Barry wrote in his 2004 year-end review, intending to be sarcastic, not prescient.
3. Maya Inc. resin handbag ($385) — Keep a tight grip on the metal strap, since your purse’s contents — that wallet with the remaining $115 — is worth less than the bag holding it.
4. Callaway FT-5 Tour Driver ($449) — Does it really count as “discretionary” if the design is tastefully discreet?
5. Bottle of Cristal champagne ($499) — Congratulate yourself on choosing the beverage favored by icons including Paris Hilton, and boycotted following bigoted remarks made by the head of Louis Roederer.
6. Dram of 1972 Glen Flagler single malt whisky at Pints Pub ($475 for one dram/1.5 ounces) — Over the lips and past the gums, look out, liver, here it comes! Economically and alcoholically stimulating.
7. Ice sculpture from Colorado Ice Sculptures ($225 and up per block of ice) — Indisputably temporal and temporary, a puddle waiting to happen. Few things scream, “Look how rich I am!” as loudly as an ice sculpture.
8. Goldteeth TVJ 3031 dental grill from TV Johnny ($400) — Garish, obscenely expensive and vaulting the wearer from tragically hip-hop to pathetically mainstream, now that both Hulk Hogan and his daughter own grillz.
9. Harri Koskinen for Issey Miyake double-dial watch ($400) — Be late in two time zones!
10. Sixty six and a half three-ounce tubs of Epicurean Black Truffle Butter ($9 each) — Does this seem sinfully extravagant? Shape it into a Tibetan butter sculpture to rack up some karma points.
TRAITOR
1. Automobile maintenance — Keep that heap going instead of sinking your bonus into a new car.
2. Fill up the car’s gas tank — Practical but depressing truth: Good for not quite seven tankfuls.
3. Extra mortgage payment — Avoiding foreclosure and investing in the future doesn’t help out the local merchants.
4. Child’s college savings plan — Depending on the college, this may belong in the Patriot category if the curriculum is frivolous enough.
5. Pay down credit card debt — Benefits nobody but yourself.
6. IRA account — See: “Pay down credit card debt,” above.
7. Donation to Colorado Springs-based Waterstone Foundation’s H2O Project, which helps charitable organizations provide clean water and sanitation to the needy
8. Donation to Colorado Haiti Project’s dental care work
9. Donation of money and time to Colorado Coalition for the Homeless
10. Donation to Women’s Bean Project (gifts over $500 qualify for a state Enterprise Zone Tax Credit, good for a state tax credit for 25 percent of your donation, and especially subversive because the government eventually gives you some of that money back.)
