Dear Margo: I am currently married to a wonderful woman (together three years, married one). Recently she met a woman, and all of a sudden my wife is getting text messages and phone calls, and is staying over at her place. Some of my friends have told me there are rumors that my wife was thrown out of a pub for kissing this woman in the toilets. Other friends have noticed suspicious body language. My wife tells me there is nothing going on. We are close to breaking up over this woman. I have asked my wife to stop seeing her and communicating with her, but she refuses. I don’t think I am being selfish. I am, however, definitely confused and don’t know whether I’m being an idiot or doing the right thing. I have asked my wife to stop seeing this friend or stop seeing me. — Distressed in the North of England
Dear Dis: From what you’ve written, it is quite clear that your wife has discovered her inner Sappho. As a woman with many women friends, I can tell you that we do not have sleepovers and there aren’t rumors of us being thrown out of bars for kissing in the ladies’ room. Because you have asked your wife to end this relationship that has become a source of marital strife and she’s refused, I suggest you call it a day. It seems obvious to me that she is not only cheating on you, but lying, as well. The result is that you are looking like the good schnook. There’s an old saying in the millinery business that your first markdown is your cheapest. I hope you won’t wait around for even stronger indicators that your wife has switched teams. If it’s any comfort, this is not about you, and you are not the first man this has happened to. — Margo, evidently
When You Can No Longer Sit and Listen Politely
Dear Margo: My sister-in-law is a born-again Christian and very outspoken about her beliefs. She agitates my husband to no end when we are at family gatherings. I can’t think of a wedding that we’ve been to in the last 10 years where she hasn’t cornered us about being saved. We’ve tried to tell her that we have our own beliefs, and I usually walk away, but my husband gets very stressed and angry and gets into it with her every time. I have tried to advise him to walk away, but for some reason he cannot. His family has started becoming annoyed with him for not being able to drop it, but even I am getting to the point where it is not acceptable to be accosted in this way. Why should we have to duck and cover just to enjoy ourselves without being bothered? She even sends tracts to us in birthday cards and other letters. I am tired of having to deal with this. Any suggestions on how to handle this zealot? — Happy with Our Own Beliefs, Thank You
Dear Hap: Zealots have many causes for which to proselytize (i.e., stopping smoking), but religion seems to be the historical number one. Your s-i-l has extremely poor judgment to pursue you at family gatherings, especially after being told thanks, but no thanks. “Dim” is the word that comes to mind. Because your husband, however, seems unable to walk away, suggest he try a new approach when responding to his sister. Here’s some early American history I read somewhere: Thomas Paine, considered by many a de facto Founding Father, ridiculed the Bible as a long fairy tale of crime and fantasy. Thomas Jefferson took a razor to the New Testament and cut out everything he thought silly, evil or mystical. He was left with a very short book. Then your husband should try to make a case for atheism. Apoplexy guaranteed. — Margo, defensively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
