Dear Margo: I have a delicate problem. My children are adopted, and time after time people make comments in front of them that I feel the need to correct. They may range from someone who knows they’re adopted saying, “This is your real mom; no one loves you like she does” to a person who doesn’t know remarking on kids who are “not real brothers” because one’s a step, a half, adopted, etc. In the first scenario, as soon as the person was gone I said to my son, “You know your birth mom loves you very much, right?” With the other, I said to the offender, “I think real families are formed in many different ways” and made sure my son heard me. I’m not sure if it’s best to correct someone at the time, after the person’s gone, or just let it drop. I know these people mean well, but my concern is making sure my children feel good about themselves and how we became a family. What’s the best way to handle this? — Mom of Two
Dear Mom: A good rule of thumb: If you can state your “correction” briefly, then do it. Your remark about real families being formed in all different ways was worth saying to both the person and your son. Anything requiring a lengthy conversation should not be laid on someone who has said a thoughtless or inappropriate thing if anyone else is present. I am pretty sure that you get across to your boys your thoughts on this subject. For example, I don’t know that all adoptive families would make a point of stressing that the birth mother loved the child a great deal. In some circumstances this would obviously give way to the response, “Well, then why did she give me away?” In your particular case, you have found a way to make this work, which is wonderful. The really important thing, though, is that you’ve told your boys they are adopted. Parents who try to hide this fact are making a serious mistake. And interestingly, this is one of the few dicta on child rearing that the experts have never changed their minds about. — Margo, appropriately
A leopard really can’t change its spots
Dear Margo: I am a 21-year-old female who’s still living at home with my mother and stepdad. I am a lesbian and currently in a relationship. The only problem I have is that neither my mom nor her side of the family approves of my lifestyle. I want to know what I should do. My mother thinks it is a “phase,” when of course it is not. I want to make her happy, but I also want to be happy. How can I start a life with my girlfriend if my family looks down on me because they feel it’s “wrong”? They are religious people, which is how they know it is “wrong.” — Up Against a Brick Wall
Dear Up: Life is choices, my dear. I would encourage you to live your life in a way that feels natural, not in an artificial way that you think would please your mother. As for your sexual orientation being a “phase,” with young women, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. Tell your mother you do not believe your interest in this woman is transient, but should it prove to be, you will let her know. As for your instinct being “wrong,” tell your mom — and her side of the family — that in matters of sexuality, which is hard-wired, there is no wrong. And because you say they are religious, tell them God does not make mistakes. Then invite her to try to imagine her life as a homosexual, and you may have made your point. — Margo, rationally
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
