Dear Margo: I’m 34 years old, married for 16 years. I was 18 when we married, and he is older. I was in love and thought, like many women, that I would live happily ever after. What a crock! My problem is this: I have completely outgrown this man. He treats me like one of the kids and demands control of everything I do. He can be abusive at times. I really want to leave him because I have no love in my heart for him anymore. Earlier this year I took my kids to my mother’s and stayed for two weeks. I felt liberated. The thing is, I cannot support my kids by myself. I went back to him against everything I felt. Even if I press for child support, because of what he earns, this would not be much. I only make $24,000 a year, and I have tried to make a budget out of that, but I cannot make it. My only other option is to get a second job, and then what kind of mother would that make me? I don’t know what to do. I cannot stay in our house. He has said many times that this is his house and everything in it is his, as well. He said he would destroy everything before giving me anything. I don’t want anything but my sanity and independence. How do I go about doing that and give my kids the life they deserve? — Searching for a Way Out
Dear Search: You have not only outgrown this man, he has morphed into an abusive and controlling husband. I say do whatever it takes to live your own life. Even if that life must be scaled down, the lack of tension and angst would be worth it. You mention the visit to your mother’s. Is there a chance you and the kids could move in with her? I think a competent lawyer could secure a decent settlement for you, especially knowing that this man has threatened to destroy everything before giving you anything. And after a 16-year marriage, everything in the house is not his. With decent child care, I think two jobs would be worth it. I hope you leave and I wish you good luck. — Margo, autonomously
A painful last will and testament
Dear Margo: I am the older of two sisters. Our father had already died, and when our Mom died, the trip to the attorney was very interesting. My younger sister was the recipient of 90 percent of our parents’ estate, and I a meager 10 percent. If the tables were turned, I would have told my sister it’s only the two of us and it will be a 50/50 split, but it did not happen that way. Should I just get over it? — Small Percentage
Dear Small: You have no choice, my dear. I know of only one similar situation where the major beneficiary, of his own volition, made the split 50/50 in order to keep the peace. I can only guess at the reason for the inequitable distribution. Sometimes a parent will do this because one child is well-fixed and the other is not. Sometimes the major beneficiary has been the caretaker. I hope this was not the case in your situation, but sometimes there is a lot of friction between a parent and a child, and this can account for what seems almost like a token bequest. My hunch is that your relationship with your sister is not doing too well. I am sorry. — Margo, philosophically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
