Dear Margo: Longtime reader, first-time writer. Now I have a specific question for you. I am getting married to a wonderful man, and I am tied in a knot about tying the knot. We are both close to our large extended families, but neither of us wants a big, giant, out-of-this-world white wedding. Our choice is just a quiet church wedding with only immediate family. I don’t want to exclude anyone, I just hate being the center of attention and photographed, and don’t want to spend a ton of money on a blowout party. I also don’t want my relatives to feel obligated to shower me with gifts. Could I throw several get-togethers at my house for the people we do not invite to the wedding — something like a housewarming party? Then again, I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to travel to my city for an event. I worry that they may be offended if they are not at the actual wedding. What do you think? Is a wedding announcement enough? I worry that many will see it as merely an invoice. How does one mark the occasion without soliciting gifts or throwing giant parties? — Tied in Knots
Dear Tied: You are way too stressed about the coming nuptials. It is kind of you to be so solicitous of others’ feelings, and your wish to avoid wedding gifts is a refreshing change from the norm. … However, you are taking consideration for other people to an extreme. When it comes to the ceremony itself, I am in favor of the bridal couple having it the way they want it. There will always be people who think you should have invited them — even if you have a big blowout. As for wedding announcements being invoices, I think that is only true when they are sent to people with whom there has been no active friendship in a number of years. I hope you will go ahead with your quiet church wedding and savor the happy occasion. — Margo, connubially
Growing up, up and away
Dear Margo: I’m feeling emotionally and physically exhausted lately. I can hardly stay awake and never feel like interacting with family or friends. My home life can be best described as weird. My mom says that she and my dad are divorced, but they still live together. She still pays for everything, and my dad does little except give her grief. I am 20, working and going to school full time. I used to live away from the house, but moved back because my mother says it is too hard for her and my two younger siblings to keep up with everything without me. To add to the situation, my bf had to move into our house because he could no longer make our apartment rent alone. Tensions have arisen because of the extra people in the house with limited space. He and I have talked about moving out again, but my mother feels that if I do, I am running out on the family. I do not want to give up my bf either, though. I love them all, but don’t think I can go on feeling so drained. Any advice would be wonderfully appreciated. — Wavering
Dear Wave: The exhaustion you feel, both mental and physical, could very well be depression. The symptoms you describe make that a real possibility. And who could blame you? Your parents may be divorced, but they’re living together as before … and not happily. Your mother is guilting you into living at home again essentially as a mother’s helper. The relationship with your bf is going downhill because the space is limited and it’s filled with your family. Nothing about this sounds positive. In the scheme of things, I do not think a 20-year-old who both has a job and goes to college is “running out on the family.” To me, it sounds like living your life, and I hope you return to the outside world sooner rather than later. — Margo, developmentally
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
