Dear Amy: I never know what to do on Mother’s Day.
I have a great mom and a great stepmom, both of whom had a real hand in raising me.
Every Mother’s Day I feel really guilty because, no matter what I do, I don’t feel I’m giving the right “mom” the right kind of attention.
If I go out to lunch with my mother on that day, I feel awful because I feel I’m neglecting my stepmother, and vice versa.
Are there “rules” about who should get what kind of attention on this day? — Mama Mia
Dear Mama: The reality of our lives has accelerated past anyone’s ability to make “rules” to follow.
Mainly, Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate connections and relationships with the mothers in your life.
Of course, it depends on the particulars of your own relationship, but in my view if you can’t spend time with both mothers on that day and have to choose between them, you should definitely make time for the woman who gave birth to you.
Don’t forget your stepmother, though. A card with a note telling her what she means to you would mean a lot to her, I’m sure. If you have children, you could encourage them to do the same for their grandmothers.
Dear Amy: A good friend of mine will be celebrating his 28th birthday soon.
The two of us have very different feelings about birthday celebrations.
I believe that past the age of 12, and with the exception of certain landmark birthday years (e.g. 21, 40 or 50), a formal celebration is not necessary.
My friend thinks differently.
Every year he asks several friends to do something in honor of his birth, be it a trip to Las Vegas or a night out on the town.
This year, he wants a group of us to take him to a fancy restaurant, and although he hasn’t stated it explicitly, the rest of us will be expected to foot the bill.
I find it irritating that anyone at this age still expects a big hoopla over a birthday, but the idea of paying for somebody’s selfish indulgences puts me over the edge.
The “birthday boy” has loads of money while the rest of us struggle to pay our bills.
I’m willing to cough up some dough for the sake of our friendship, but how can I get the message across that his expectation that we pay for his “celebrations” is unreasonable? — Annoyed
Dear Annoyed: Ideally, there is some reciprocation when celebrating birthdays. You pay for his, and he pays for yours. But if you’re just not a birthday kind of guy, you can feel left holding the (birthday) bag. And while a 28th birthday doesn’t exactly scream “Vegas road trip!” to me (or you), you’ve got to hand it to your friend — he sure does love the fact that he was born.
If you don’t like the way this particular celebration is shaping up — if you think it’s an expensive farce, for instance — then it’s easy enough to say, “Happy birthday, my friend, but I just can’t afford the big celebration this year.”
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