Dear Amy: My best friend, “Wendy,” would be e-mailing you if she could get herself to do it. Despite the fact that she’s already been through one bankruptcy, she’s in debt again. She’s tried following a budget but admits she doesn’t know how the whole “delayed gratification” thing works.
Wendy misses appointments, can’t keep promises and has trouble listening or focusing. I’ve tried helping her because I’m disciplined and organized. But, as she readily admits, no system or budget or calendar will work unless she can get herself to use it and stick to it.
I’m trying to be a good friend, but I’ve run out of ideas. — Wendy’s BFF
Dear BFF: I’m not a doctor, but from what you say, “Wendy” seems to exhibit some of the classic signs of someone who has attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder.
People who have ADHD often have trouble focusing, and getting and staying organized.
Your ability to help someone with this very real problem is limited, though your continued support and friendship are crucial. At this point, the best you could do for your BFF is to recommend that she see her doctor for an evaluation.
People with ADHD often respond well to cognitive therapy (offering tools and strategies to recognize and cope with their condition), as well as medication.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to “Marion,” who wondered how to downsize and divide possessions among several children. I’d like to share how my parents have done this.
A month before Christmas for at least 10 years, our parents send a list of about 25 of their possessions. For our Christmas present, we get to choose five things that we would like to have from this list and put them down in order of our most desired.
When my folks receive the lists back, they figure out how many get our first choice (because no one else had chosen them).
When there is a situation of duplicate choices, names are drawn.
Surprisingly, many of us get our first choice. In some cases, we receive the gift right away; in other cases, our name is put on the item for when our folks no longer need it.
I have received the family Bible, my mom’s charm bracelet, pictures that were hanging in my room as a child, etc.
It is fun for all of us and saves my elderly parents from having to go from store to store at Christmas. We receive exactly what we want, which should help prevent squabbling later. All eight of my siblings are precious to me, and I am glad my folks came up with this plan so that we can avoid having issues over “things” when they’re gone. — Teresa
Dear Teresa: I really like this method. I’ll share more in future columns.
Dear Amy: Five years ago, my brother-in- law of 32 years, “Mike,” told my sister “Julie” he was unhappy and wanted to date.
Unfortunately, it turned out that he had dated off and on during his marriage to her. Julie went through therapy and recently married a wonderful man.
In the meantime, Mike has dated many women while having a steady girlfriend. Recently, he announced that he is getting married to this woman, but in checking, I saw that he still has very active personal ads! Is it anyone’s business to “warn” this woman, “Hey, do you realize your fiance still has active dating ads?” — Fretting
Dear Fretting: It is most definitely not your business to warn a complete stranger about the dating proclivities of your former brother- in-law, nor should you be checking on his online status, though anyone posting online profiles should be smart enough to know that they are easily accessed by prospective fiancees as well as former sisters-in-law.
That said, sometimes a judicious warning can help a person avoid a romantic train wreck. This warning is best delivered by one of her friends — not you or your sister or your friends.
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