Dear Amy: My bright, bubbly seventh-grader, “Clara,” has been shut out from her group of about 10 friends. One girl, “Gretchen,” who has been a good friend since second grade, had a birthday party, and my daughter was not invited.
Clara asked Gretchen why she was not invited, and she was told that two of the other girls did not want her there. Gretchen told Clara that she was outvoted! Two other friends chastised Clara for upsetting Gretchen by asking her why she was excluded! Now only two of the girls speak to Clara.
I hate seeing my daughter so sad. Do you have any words of wisdom for me? — Mom in Chicago
Dear Mom: This is classic “mean girl” behavior, and you should educate your daughter about their tactics while giving her strategies to cope with this nonsense.
Your daughter (and any girl’s) best defense is to have a strong sense of herself, of her emerging values and of the true meaning of friendship. These girls are not friends — they are “frenemies,” and your daughter should avoid them and develop new relationships with people who treat one another well.
You should encourage “Clara” to get involved in organizations and activities that will bring her into contact with other kids and adults who appreciate her.
A groundbreaking book on this subject is “Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence,” by Rosalind Wiseman (2003, Three Rivers Press).
Dear Amy: I met a guy online a little more than three months ago, and I am having second thoughts about him.
He asked me for gas money, and I gave it to him. Now, he has asked me for more money. I explained that I could not give it to him at the moment. He, in turn, fed me this guilt-trip, saying that because we are together I should have lent him money.
I asked him if he had the money, would he help me with a big doctor’s bill? He said he would have, but I doubt it.
Now we are fighting because everything is about him and not about us. I really like this guy and don’t want to lose him. What should I do? — Really Confused
Dear Confused: First, some questions for you: Is this really all that confusing? Do you really want to hold on to this guy? Do you really even like him? Please say no.
Your next move should be to put your wallet into permanent “lockdown” and run, run, run for the hills. This guy is a user. If it is all about him now, I guarantee that over time his regard for himself and his needs will far surpass any regard he may have for you.
Dear Amy: I liked your response to “Engaged in California” regarding “grooms-women.” My husband and I were married three years ago, and we had seven women and one man in our wedding party. My husband wanted his three sisters and his brother to stand up for him, so we thought, “why not?” The grooms-women wore beautiful black dresses and walked down the aisle with my sister, friend and cousins. We were so happy that all of our close family could have such a meaningful role in our wedding. — Karen
Dear Karen: I’m happy to hear from many couples that have embraced the idea of not basing attendant choices strictly on gender.
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