Dear Amy: My 21-year-old daughter is living with a 45-year-old man.
She graduated from college early and was so driven until she met him.
She moved out of our house because we didn’t agree with this relationship. We wanted to meet and talk to this man, but he said he would not let us control him and that he would decide when it was time to meet.
That was six months ago. She had never really had a boyfriend before. They met when she joined a women’s sports team that he coaches.
I know she is an adult, but she gave up so much for this guy. I have gone to see her games, but he never talks to me or looks at me.
She says he is nice, but he let her sit at a job interview for three hours because he wanted to rotate the tires on his truck. She does not have a car. She said he would co-sign a loan for her, but it hasn’t happened.
I talk to her every once in a while, but she has not been home since she left because he won’t bring her here. We live about 40 minutes away.
Do I just have to sit and wait this out? We had always been a close family, but now she ignores her dad and me. — Helpless
Dear Helpless: Do not sit and wait this out.
You should do everything possible to maintain contact with your daughter.
Even though you don’t approve of this relationship, you and your husband should still be active parents, encouraging her to find employment and helping her with transportation. You should offer to co-sign a loan for her so she will have a car; otherwise, it is going to be difficult for her to get and maintain a job, friendships and her relationship with you. Offer to pick her up if she’s interested in visiting.
Please try to keep your daughter connected.
Dear Amy: I’m a 44-year-old single woman in a major metropolitan area.
I have a good life with great friends and a solid job. The problem is that I think I may be too old to find love.
I stopped dating several years ago because I was having a bad time of it. Lots of guys seemed to care more about their feelings than mine. It just got too hard. I also started gaining weight and dealing with my elderly parents and their health issues, so it was easy to forget about dating.
Things settled down with the family, and I started caring about my body more and losing weight, so that’s improved. But I don’t even know how to go about dating at this age. Everyone around me is married, gay or much younger than I, and I’m starting to believe I’ve missed this boat completely. I hate to think my love life is over. Any advice? — Lost
Dear Lost: It helps to approach dating the way the Democratic presidential candidates have attacked the primaries — with a relentless confidence.
The most efficient way to meet people your age is through online sites. The pool of prospective parties is large, and you can find people with common interests. Use these experiences as a way to meet new people and brush up your interpersonal skills. Meet as many people as possible, but only for coffee at first. Be open but discerning.
Attend cultural events, galleries and lectures, not solely as a way to meet guys but also because exposure to art, music and learning is stimulating and gets you outside of yourself.
I know it’s a cliche, but before you find love, it helps to know and love yourself. You’re not too old. He’s out there. You just need to meet him.
Dear Amy: “Engaged in California” wrote to you about using “grooms-women” in her wedding. “Engaged” was concerned about how this would look to the guests.
We also had nontraditional gender composition at our wedding party 10 years ago.
My dad tried to have the minister talk us out of it because of how he thought it would “look.” Our minister was very supportive. — Happily Married
Dear Happily: Ten years ago this must have seemed very unusual. Good for you.
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