Evidently there’s something even harder to pull off than Middle Eastern peace: a steady run of jokes that deserve our laughter — if “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan” is an indicator.
In this PG-13 comedy that teases the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, Adam Sandler plays Zohan Dvir. A bearded, wild-haired Israeli with a hunger for hummus, Zohan is the state’s best counter-terrorist. He’s so gifted, he’s choppered from his vacation to lead a precision strike against the Phantom (John Turturro.) As Zohan reminds his superiors too willing to exact collateral damage “he can get it done without the mess.”
He’s not the sort of guy to harbor a fugitive desire to be a hairstylist. Or is he?
When Zohan shares this wish with his parents, they are less than supportive. The film shrugs off the Yiddish epithet for gay as a joke on Zohan’s parents and those who can’t imagine a straight-male hairdresser. (Haven’t they ever seen Warren Beatty in “Shampoo”?)
Fed up with conflict, Zohan fakes his death and heads for the land of milk-and-honey conditioners: Paul Mitchell’s salon in Manhattan.
Written by Sandler, Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow, “Zohan” is a set-up that might have sustained a Saturday Night Live sketch. Barely. Here it runs broad and padded, not unlike Zohan’s nether regions.
A better comedy would invite grad school theses about American Jewish fantasies for Israel.
At the heart of this not entirely cynical but powerfully lazy comedy is a wish for peace. Or as Zohan likes to say, a hope for “silky smooth” coexistence.
Indeed, there’s something nearly touching in making Zohan so ridiculously skilled. He can do no-handed push-ups. He remakes the stones Palestinian children hurl at him into party favors. He wears a codpiece that suggests an endowment to match these outsized talents.
After a bumpy start in New York, Zohan earns his stylist station at a salon in a neighborhood that is home to Palestinian and Israeli immigrants.
In a weak subplot, a real-estate developer jacks up the rents on the salons, grocery stores and the glut of Israeli-owned electronics stores.
Zohan’s skills with the scissors, but mostly the AARP card-carrying ladies that are his customers, keeps proprietor Dalia’s salon afloat.
The role of the Palestinian immigrant Dalia requires Emmanuelle Chriqui to look lovely (easy enough) and also hold fast a demeanor that registers incredulity at Zohan’s antics while maintaining the possibility of fondness (not as easy).
If you’re itching for an amusing flick about the Israeli-Palenstinian conflict, seek out Ari Sandel’s “West Bank Story.” The 21-minute take-off on “West Side Story,” featuring dueling falafel stands and a pair hummus-crossed lovers, won 2006’s Oscar for best short. (“A Collection of 2006 Academy Award Nominated Short Films” DVD; $29.98).
The greatest offense isn’t the outlandish depictions of Israelis and Palenstinians (though Turturro and Rob Schneider cast as foes suggest it wasn’t an easy sell to Arab actors).
It’s that a film this stupid about something so vital — even to its makers — will open on thousands of screens, likely do well opening weekend and in so doing greenlight more vanity projects.
“You Don’t Mess with the Zohan”
PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language and nudity. 1 hour, 53 minutes. Directed by Dennis Dugan; written by Adam Sandler, Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow; photography by Michael Barrett; starring Adam Sandler, John Turturro, Emmanuelle Chirqui, Nick Swardson, Lainie Kazan, Rob Schneider. Opens today at area theaters.
